


Having It All

by TMar



Series: A Female Thing [2]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Genderswap, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 06:42:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16362854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TMar/pseuds/TMar
Summary: John and Rodney find they are going to be parents just before they discover John can change back.





	Having It All

**Author's Note:**

> This is the longest story I've ever written. It just came flowing out of me and wouldn't stop! I hope that it's a worthy sequel to its predecessor, "Finding Oneself Within". And just to note: if you  
> haven't read that one, this one might not make much sense.  
> Please note that although the gender of one of the characters is changed, this is not a story about being trans. If you fear you might be offended, rather err on the side of caution and don't read it.  
> Posted to Wraithbait in 2007.

"Oh God, oh God, Rodney!" John breathed as Rodney moved on top of him.  
"Harder!" John hooked his legs around Rodney's and pulled him deeper inside,  
arching his back. "Harder!"

Rodney panted harshly in John's ear, "You... al..ways... SAY... that!" But  
he drove in harder, knowing by now what John needed in order to come.

"Yeah, that's it! More! Oh, yeah! Yeah!" And then John's speech degenerated  
into groans of pleasure and Rodney's hips lost their rhythm completely and  
he froze up, his orgasm beginning, and he emptied himself inside his best  
friend in four long pulses.

At the same time, John's own orgasm hit, making him squeeze Rodney as he  
panted and twitched and finally collapsed, Rodney still on top of him.

"I will never get used to this," John said as Rodney finally dragged himself  
to the side. "I wish we could stay in bed all the time."

"We'd get bored eventually," Rodney opined.

John smiled his old 'Hey, I'm Kirk, bow before me' smile, although it didn't  
quite look the same on the face he had now compared to how it had looked on  
his original, male face. "Maybe."

Rodney still recognized it, though. "And we might starve to death," he said.  
John could look so damn self-satisfied when he, Rodney McKay, had done all  
the work.

It was a sore point with him that he couldn't brag and tell people just how  
great he was in bed, but it had been his idea not to tell anyone. They were  
not even sure if John would get court-martialled for being involved with a  
man, but they didn't want to take the chance. Any defense they put on would  
involve explaining about the Ancient Y-chromosome-removing-machine. But that  
would also entail them getting a military court to believe that John was  
actually a woman now, and he didn't want to be thought of that way. His body  
might be female, but his brain still thought in a male way. John Sheppard  
still thought of himself as a man, and that was all that mattered.

John noticed Rodney's expression. "We should tell Elizabeth."

"No. She wouldn't betray us, but I don't want to take the chance of anybody  
else knowing. This is enough, John, really."

Sheppard sighed. "You know it's not, not for either of us."

"It'll do," Rodney said. "I'm just glad that Air Force captain on the other  
side of this wall wanted to give up her quarters." He smiled, remembering it.  
"I'd have loved to see the look on her face when you made that wall panel  
open."

"I swear I didn't know it could do that," said John. "I've never heard  
language like that."

"She actually swore at you?"

John shrugged, cuddling into Rodney's side. "Who knows. I don't even know  
what language it was. Sounded a bit like German."

"What was her name again?" For a scientific genius, Rodney sometimes had  
problems with odd names.

"Captain Van Der Vyfer."

"Oh, it must have been Afrikaans then," said Rodney, who'd learned the  
official languages of all the countries in the British Commonwealth just for  
fun one day when he'd been exceedingly bored. "Who cares. As long as she  
didn't say anything about it."

"No, she just mumbled something to Elizabeth about needing more privacy."

"Lucky I was there at the time," Rodney said. They both knew luck had not  
had a thing to do with it. He'd 'volunteered' to switch quarters, citing  
John's "central location" and how he wanted to be available in times of  
crisis as well, etc. etc. Elizabeth had given in just to shut him up, and  
the Captain was now in nice, roomy quarters with a balcony. Rodney, on the  
other hand, was in smaller quarters but with access to the man he loved.

"She still gives me the evil eye," John said. "Like I deliberately made the  
wall open when she was naked. Who knew she walked around naked in her  
quarters, geez."

"If this had been two years ago, I'd think you."

John rolled away and looked at the ceiling. "I was never that sex-obsessed,  
Rodney."

"No, you developed that when you jumped me in Vegas."

John rolled back, willing to accept that. "You're the best lover I've ever  
had," he said. "Really. Women reach their sexual peak later than men, but  
God, Rodney, sometimes I wish you could be in me forever."

"It would make it hard to work. Or, you know, eat."

"Yeah, yeah, we'd die, but what a way to go." John, looking over at the  
footlocker that doubled as a side table, caught sight of the time. "Hey, we  
have a mission today. M8D-113. Teyla says the Athosians haven't traded with  
them, but that she's heard they're quite advanced."

"As opposed to what, living in tents and killing animals with sticks? I'm  
sure they are." But Rodney obediently got up and wandered into his own  
quarters to shower and dress.

He was back outside John's quarters twenty minutes after that, ringing the  
door chime and yelling, "We have a mission, Colonel!" mostly for the benefit  
of passers-by.

Finally, after a couple of minutes of yelling, John strolled out. "Rodney,  
I'm the team leader. You can hardly start the mission without me."

Rodney complained about how long it took John to get ready all the way to  
Elizabeth's office. It made good cover, which seemed to be working because  
as far as they knew, no one suspected anything.

***

"Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick!" John said, getting up from the ceremonial  
circle with his hand over his mouth.

"Third door down there," one of their hosts yelled, and John fled.

"What did you give her?" Rodney yelled, remembering, as always, to change  
the pronoun while offworld.

"It is merely a ceremonial food made to honor the one in charge."

"Does it contain citrus?"

"Citrus?"

Helpless to explain, Rodney looked at Teyla.

Teyla turned to the host on her left and said, "If you would permit me."

The woman nodded, and Teyla tasted a piece of John's pie. She shook her head  
at Rodney, who also tasted it. It seemed fine.

They were sitting on low stools around a ceremonial table simply called "the  
circle". It was their way of welcoming guests and included a special meal  
and a kind of alcoholic drink that reminded Rodney of Vodka, except it was  
light blue in color.

They managed to continue their conversation about possible trade until John  
emerged, looking a little better.

"Colonel?" asked Teyla.

"You okay?" asked Ronon.

"Was it the food or the drink?" asked Rodney.

John sat back down. "I don't know. Might be some weird allergy. I  
apologize," he said to the hosts. There was a "host" for each member of the  
team, so there were eight people in all around the table. They didn't seem  
to have names; they had introduced themselves to each team member simply as  
"your host".

"Would you care to see a physician?" the host on John's right asked.

John shook his head. "No, I feel fine now. I'll have my own doctor check me  
out when I return to my planet." As per protocol, they still didn't mention  
they came from Atlantis.

***

The trading agreement seemed fair. Atlantis would provide seeds of some  
planets their hosts didn't have, and in return would receive small portions  
of the crops that resulted, provided the seeds could be cultivated and  
produced a decent quantity of crops.

The team was still discussing it after the debriefing when Rodney said, "The  
infirmary is this way, Colonel."

"And why would I go there?"

Rodney just gave him the McKay 'I'm upset with you' stare.

"It's just an intolerance to their food or that blue stuff."

Same stare.

"Fine." John marched off in the direction of the infirmary. "But I'm going  
by myself. You can call Carson later to check up on me."

"Good," said Ronon. "I wouldn't want to have to carry you there." It was  
clearly a threat.

John waved a hand as he went in the opposite direction.

***

"Your blood chemistry has been out of whack since that mission to M5X-982,"  
Carson said. "Whatever it was they shot you up with, you're the only one who  
still shows signs in his blood."

"But I'm fine, right? I just threw up." John tried the charm, then the puppy  
dog eyes.

Carson ignored both. "You probably are, I just want to make sure." He  
withdrew the vial of blood from John's arm. "I'll let you know when I get  
the results."

"Thanks, doc."

Back in his quarters, he opened the panel and found Rodney changing into a  
T-shirt and jeans. Until they had started seeing each other, Rodney had  
seldom worn jeans. He'd preferred his work BDUs.

"Carson says my blood chemistry has been weird since M5X-982."

"What I want to know is, how do these alien cultures ever make friends if,  
upon hearing, 'We're peaceful explorers,' they immediately kidnap you, shoot  
you up with their version of truth serum, question you for hours and then  
decide they don't like you?"

"I must have said something they didn't like."

"I was in the same room with Teyla; she says I started talking about Vulcans  
and how mind-melding was important." At John's look he added, "Well, I'd  
just seen that episode of Enterprise! How was I supposed to know I'd spill  
it all?"

"Ronon says I started talking about Moya and ranting about Scorpius. I  
should never have let you show me those Farscape DVDs."

"Aeryn is so hot," Rodney said. At John's disbelieving look he added, "Not  
as hot as you, of course." He grinned then. "Hey, remember that body  
switching episode?"

"It's less fun living that in real life," John said.

Rodney sobered. "I guess. Sorry."

John lay down on the bed. "Your mattress sucks."

"Yeah, yeah, Cadman said that too." But Rodney came and lay down next to  
John. "I guess I'm lucky the two of us didn't switch bodies. It wasn't fun  
then, and I'm sure being alone in the wrong body wouldn't have been fun,  
either. It was like living in a Heinlein novel as it was." He waited for a  
comment, but John had fallen asleep.

The mission to M5X-982 had been especially difficult. Whatever chemical  
"truth serum" the indigenous people had shot them up with had played havoc  
with their systems for days. Rodney hadn't been able to eat anything for  
days except rice cakes and cottage cheese; everything else had made him feel  
nauseous. Ronon had experienced odd tremors in his hands which had made him  
miss the target during practice; he'd been *mad* about that. Teyla had only  
confessed to "some female problems", and John had fainted a couple of times.  
Being the leader, he'd been the one who'd gotten a double dose. It had been  
three days before he could even walk without everything going weird and  
wonky.

But the chemical had eventually worked out of their systems, and Rodney  
could once again eat MREs like candy. Ronon's shooting arm was in fine form,  
Teyla assured them that everything was great with her and John could once  
again go running with Ronon without wanting to pass out or lean against  
walls every few feet.

Rodney hoped that whatever was bothering John, it wasn't some residual  
"truth serum" from M5X still wreaking havoc.

***

But it was a very bad sign when Carson wouldn't talk about the tests during  
breakfast in the mess. Instead he asked John to come by the infirmary later.  
No matter how much Rodney badgered him, Carson refused to say a word.

When John finally did go to the infirmary, the first thing Carson said was,  
"I know what the chemical from M5X-982 did to you."

"Oh, yeah? What?"

"One of its more long-term effects was to neutralize the contraceptive  
injection." Carson just looked at John, waiting for it to sink in.

But John didn't want to draw the obvious conclusion. "So if I ever have sex  
with a male, I'll have to use other protection?"

"Colonel." Carson looked stricken.

"What, Carson?"

"You know what I'm saying."

"No."

"I'm afraid it's yes. You are pregnant."

"No."

"John."

"Men do not get pregnant!" John yelled.

"Look, I understand it's a lot to take in, but your body works just like any  
female body. Conception has taken place."

John shook his head. "No. I'm not doing this. I'm not thinking about it or  
listening to you tell me about female bodies. I'm just NOT, you hear me!  
NO!"

"Whether or not you want to deal with it, there is a baby in there. That's a  
fact. What we have to decide now is how to proceed from here."

"There's nothing to decide, Carson. Get rid of it. It never happened."

"I'm afraid I can't do that, Colonel."

"What do you mean, you can't? Of course you can. I've seen the health films;  
it's not a big deal."

Carson took a deep breath and steeled himself. "I believe you should speak  
to the... er, the father. Before you make any decisions."

"The FATHER!" John snorted. It was kind of funny in that 'not-funny-at-all  
but-if-you-don't-laugh-you'll-cry' way. He took a deep breath himself.  
"Carson, I'm the only one who gets to decide. I can't do this. You have to  
help me."

"At least speak to Elizabeth first."

"NO!"

"All right, I'll do it..."

"Great!" John said, looking relieved already.

But Carson continued. "I'll do it after you've had a chance to consider it.  
Two weeks. Think about it for two weeks and if you still want the... er, the  
problem resolved, I'll do it."

"Two weeks," John said. "I'm holding you to that. And I won't change my mind.  
You're wasting time."

"It's mine to waste, Colonel."

***

The Daedalus was a week out from Atlantis. John knew that in three days they  
would be close enough to communicate. And he had a personal request to make  
from someone on board.

In the meantime, he could not even bring himself to *think* about what  
Carson had said. He was suddenly very skittish around Rodney, when just days  
before, he had been begging him to thrust harder and harder. Now he couldn't  
bring himself to even think about sex. He just lay down and said he was  
tired and a bit out of sorts from the food on M-whatever, and would Rodney  
just lie down with him.

Rodney did, feeling slightly rejected. But he knew of course that if John  
wanted to reject him, John would. John was not in any way subtle. So he must  
really just be feeling out of sorts.

He didn't even ask questions when John asked him to get a secure channel to  
the Daedalus, one that could not be eavesdropped on or recorded. It was a  
simple matter, and John sent his message. Rodney would only find out later  
that John had asked the female officer from the bridge (the one who had  
backed him up during the fight with the 'friendly' Wraith hive ship that  
time) to manufacture an emergency back on Earth that required him.

John had told her that it was a personal matter that couldn't go through  
channels, but he'd consider it a favor and owe her one. So she delivered a  
faked email to John on a flash drive from a 'relative' back on Earth who  
wanted to see him.

Since John never talked about his relatives, people assumed it was serious  
and didn't ask questions. They had always gotten stony silence before when  
asking him about his family, so now wouldn't be much different.

"I wish we'd had time for a quickie before departure," Rodney said as he  
watched John pack for his 'emergency' visit home. Rodney had, of course,  
asked what was going on, but John had said it was too painful to talk about.  
Rodney did respect those barriers.

John went off for a last briefing - Elizabeth wanted him to deliver some  
personal messages to the SGC and some reports to General Landry - and Rodney  
went back into his own quarters.

***

Rodney had hardly had time to relax with a game of Tetris when the door  
opened and Carson came in, looking haggard.

"Carson? What's going on? You look terrible."

Carson didn't even rise to the bait. "I don't know what to do, Rodney."

"Well, talking about it might help." He waited. "This is the part where you  
open your mouth and sounds come out."

"I think Colonel Sheppard's emergency on Earth isn't real," Carson said in a  
rush. "He wants to go back there for another reason. I'm terribly worried  
about him." Carson's accent grew noticeably thicker with each word.

"Well?" Rodney became annoyed when Carson didn't reply. "Carson. I can't  
help if you won't tell me."

"Rodney, I took an oath. What's between the Colonel and myself is doctor-  
patient. I can't break that oath."

"Then how do you expect me to help you, huh? Come on, Carson. Are we going  
to have to play charades?"

"Do you... do you know if Colonel Sheppard has been seeing anyone?"

"Seeing anyone?"

"Like a man."

"A man." Rodney took a second. "Oh! You mean like that! He... might be. He  
hasn't said anything to Elizabeth, or I would know. I do live next door, you  
know."

"Rodney."

"Yes, he might be seeing someone! What does this have to do with him going  
back to Earth?"

"I..." Carson seemed to be struggling with himself. "Rodney, you have to  
stop him."

"How? Just wave my magic wand and get him back here? Make him spill the  
beans as to what's going on? Yeah. That'll work."

"Rodney." Carson sighed. "How would I deduce that he's been seeing someone?  
Think about it."

"Post-mission exams?"

Carson shook his head. "Post-mission blood tests." He stared earnestly at  
Rodney, willing him to understand without further elaboration.

"Blood tests. He's sick?"

"No, it's not a disease. It's..." Carson bit his lip. "That mission you went  
on, to M5X... it messed with his blood chemistry."

"Blood chemist... Oh God. It neutralized the contraceptive!" Rodney yelled.

"Yes."

"So, you're telling me..."

"I can't actually tell you."

"He's pregnant." It all hit Rodney at once. "He's going back to Earth to get  
an abortion, isn't he?" He didn't wait for a confirmation that Carson  
couldn't provide. "Why wouldn't he tell me?" Rodney paused, realizing how it  
sounded. "I'm his best friend."

"Just... I think the father should have a say in whether this happens."

"It's his body, Carson." Rodney really believed in a woman's right to choose,  
too, but he could feel himself starting to shake in reaction. He couldn't  
afford go to pieces now, though. He had to be strong and clear-headed in  
order to decide what to do.

"It's his decision," Carson agreed. "But I don't see how he can make it  
without input from the other person responsible. I just wanted him to wait  
one more week."

"We have to stop him," Rodney said. He knew that while getting rid of the  
problem might give John temporary relief, he would regret it later. It might  
even damage their relationship, secret as it was. "Just so we can help him  
be sure."

"Agreed."

***

John had the Puddle Jumper lined up with the gate, the macro uploaded,  
everything ready to go. And then the shield activated.

"What's going on?" he asked Chuck, the technician.

"I don't know, Sir. The shield came on by itself."

"Well, turn it off! I don't want to be late!"

But nothing Chuck did made the shield turn off.

"This is not helping me!" John yelled.

"John." It came on the Jumper's viewscreen, not through his headset, so no  
one else would be able to hear. "I've rigged the shield." Rodney paused.  
"You can't do this."

"Go back to Earth?" John decided to try a bluff, even though he knew Rodney  
wouldn't fall for it.

"Let's just discuss it first, okay? If you still want to go through with it  
after that, I won't stop you. But let me hear what you're feeling first." A  
long pause. "That's my child too."

Only years of training stopped John from deliberately crashing the Puddle  
Jumper into the shield. He took several measured breaths. "Fine." The Jumper  
went back up into the Jumper bay.

Rodney was there when John walked down the ramp of the Jumper. "Don't speak  
to me," John said.

"John..."

"I did what you wanted. But Carson promised he'd do it in another week so  
you haven't won."

"Then why didn't you just wait instead of going back now?" Rodney followed  
Sheppard as he stalked to his quarters. But he knew why: John had feared  
exactly this: that someone would find out and try to make him change his  
mind.

John went into his quarters and closed the door, but Rodney knew how to get  
through the lockouts in Atlantis.

"John."

"I'm a man! A man!" John yelled it. "Men do not have babies! We don't! I'm  
not supposed to have it in there! I want it gone!"

"Wait nine months," Rodney said, knowing even as he said it that it was the  
wrong thing to say.

"Oh, that's a good one, McKay." He sighed, sitting down.

"John." Rodney sat next to him. At times he was still a little surprised by  
the fact that he was taller than John now, even sitting down. "Please tell  
me. Just... just tell me."

"I... people will know," John finally said, looking shamefaced.

"Know what? About us? I thought you didn't care if people knew."

"I thought I didn't. But when Carson told me, the first thing that went  
through my head was that people would know what I'd let you do to me. That  
I'd let you... you know, fuck me." John hung his head. "I'm so sorry,  
Rodney."

Rodney was nonplussed. "You're ashamed of being with me?" He felt an actual,  
physical pain as he said it.

But John was shaking his head. "No, not of being with you. Of... liking  
*that*. Of... of wanting it. Wanting to be underneath you, and having you  
*inside* me, wanting you deeper inside than you can ever get. Wanting you  
*on* me. Don't you see, Rodney? Men aren't supposed to want that, and I want  
it all the time. And now people will know, and I just... I don't think I can  
handle them knowing."

"What about your original body? I mean, you must have had relationships.  
What were they like? Didn't you want the women all the time? Dream of  
fucking them into the mattress?"

John couldn't look at him. "Yeah, maybe, but not the way I want you to do it  
to me."

"Do you maybe... love me more?" Rodney asked, sounding as though he was  
afraid of the answer.

"I..." John stopped. He tried to remember someone he'd loved as intensely as  
he loved Rodney. He and Rodney had been through life and death together.  
Through literal, real fire. Through triumph and disappointment. They were  
bonded in a way he had never been able to bond with another woman, not even  
Teer, who had been beautiful and virginal and so wise...

Sheppard remembered making love to her, how sweet and innocent it had been,  
how she had whispered his name and made breathy little sounds of pleasure.  
He had wanted to make it good for her, her first - and it turned out only -  
taste of mortal pleasure. But while he had cared for her, he hadn't loved  
her, at least not like that. He hadn't obsessed over her or her skin or her  
body, hadn't wondered what she would be like, except in passing. But  
Rodney...

Rodney was so *not* what you'd want in a man. He was abrasive. He complained  
constantly. He had the biggest ego of anyone Sheppard had ever met. And  
yet... he could hurt so easily. He tried to hide how deeply he felt, because  
people usually ridiculed him for it. He thought of himself as good-looking,  
but he didn't realize just how adorable he was. And in bed he gave as much  
pleasure as he got, maybe more.

And John did find himself staring at Rodney. At his hands or the pulse in  
his throat or his beautiful, wide, asymmetrical mouth. At his body, which  
while it wouldn't win any beach contests, was an instrument of pleasure that  
he knew how to use. John did love him more.

"I do love you more," John said, amazed at it. "I... I've never..." He  
couldn't go on. It was too much to say.

But Rodney understood. "If you really can't handle it, you and I will go to  
Carson together. But think about it. Please, John. Don't let some hang-up  
destroy what we have." He straightened. "I love you. You know that. If you  
have to do this, I'll support you. But... something will be gone from what  
we have. Something important. It's *life*, and we made it. Unlike some  
children who are born because their parents were careless or bored - " John  
recognized Rodney's thoughts as to the reason he and his sister had been  
born - "our child will be born because we love each other."

"Yeah. I just..." John stopped. "I guess in the face of that the other stuff  
doesn't matter."

"It never did, not to me," Rodney said, and kissed him.

John kissed him back, putting everything he had into it, almost trying to  
swallow Rodney whole. He leaned back, pulling Rodney on top of him, the way  
he always wanted, unzipping his jacket and getting his hands under the T-  
shirt.

For his part, Rodney did the same as best he could considering the awkward  
position they were in. He liked it that John was panting harshly already.  
And he wanted to do something different... something that didn't make his  
lover feel ashamed. Rodney slid off the bed - slowly, because he didn't want  
to hurt himself. He pulled down John's BDUs and then the jockey shorts. He  
always smiled when he saw that John still wore men's jockey shorts.

Grasping John's knees, Rodney pulled his thighs apart, concentrating on what  
he was doing and hearing only the panting as John stared down at him.

"M... McKay..." John ground out. "Wh..."

But he got no further as Rodney used his thumb and index finger on each side  
to part the folds and expose the tiny nerve cluster. They hadn't done this  
that often, simply because John was a forceful personality and he tended to  
say things like, "Fuck me, McKay," that made Rodney forget his goal of  
pleasing his lover orally and just thrust inside, as deep as he could, and  
do what they both enjoyed.

Not this time. Rodney leaned down and touched his tongue to that special  
place. Lightly, then harder, then in a continuous swipe, up and down, his  
hands holding John's thighs open, preventing his head from being crushed  
between them the way his body usually was when they had full intercourse. He  
kept up the tactile assault, even as he tasted more juices on every  
downstroke.

"Rodney... please do it. Just... please. Please!" John was begging. He  
wanted Rodney inside him so bad that it was all he could think about.  
"McKay! Please!"

But Rodney didn't stop. He continued, faster now, as John's panting breaths  
turned into vocal grunts as he got closer to orgasm. And then he slid his  
tongue right down and into that hole that men didn't have, and John shouted  
out in one long, harsh note and came, his legs coming around Rodney's  
shoulders and his heels digging into Rodney's back as he arched off the bed.

Rodney rested his head on the edge of the bed as John released him and lay  
limply on the bed, his legs still over Rodney's shoulders. Rodney breathed  
in and out, but he was so turned on that he couldn't calm down. He scrabbled  
at his own pants, pulling them open and taking himself in hand. "Mmm...  
uhmm..." were about the only sounds issuing from his mouth as he touched  
himself, the smell and taste of Sheppard all around him.

John finally noticed. "What are you doing?" No answer. "Rodney?" He sat up  
slightly, only to see Rodney's hand pumping himself lightning-fast, his  
other hand fisted in the sheet on the side of the bed. John managed to get  
himself into a sitting position by removing his legs from Rodney's shoulders.  
He moved off the bed and slid down to where Rodney was sitting. "Rodney, let  
me..."

And as he said it, Rodney made a broken, half-choked sound, and came, his  
semen spraying the side of the bed.

John noticed that Rodney's hand did not release the sheet, so he maneuvered  
under his arm and pressed himself to Rodney's front in a hug. "Why did you  
do that?" he finally asked, when the panting breaths had ceased.

"Couldn't wait," McKay finally said. "I've wanted to do that for so long,  
just see you like that and taste you." He lifted his head and looked  
Sheppard in the eye. "Tell me you'll keep it," he said, tentatively reaching  
out and placing his hand low on Sheppard's belly.

The hand was large and warm, and John realized just how much Rodney wanted  
this. Rodney already loved it, he could tell from the touch. Rodney loved  
it... the baby. Rodney loved the baby. He could never take away something  
Rodney loved.

His own hand covered Rodney's in a protective gesture. "I'll keep it." A  
long pause. "But you have to help me. You get the blame. And you also get to  
tell Elizabeth."

Rodney nodded. "Whatever you want, John."

"I need time to get used to this, but I can do it. I'm Kirk, after all." He  
grinned. "I'm gonna take a shower. Alone," he added.

Rodney just nodded. "I'll clean up in here."

It didn't take much cleaning. Rodney had - luckily - managed not to get any  
mess on himself. All he had to do was zip up, pull his T-shirt back down and  
his jacket straight. He wiped the bed off and remade it. That was all it  
took. He opened one of the sliding windows in the room to let the musky  
smell out.

And it was just as well that he did, because the chime sounded. Rodney knew  
without needing to check that it was Elizabeth. He opened the door.

"What's going on?" she asked. "The shield is still up."

"Yeah, sorry about that. I was experimenting with activating the shield from  
a remote location, in case of another foothold situation. I didn't mean to  
actually activate it." He looked at Elizabeth earnestly.

"Where's Colonel Sheppard?"

"I'm here, Elizabeth." John came out of the bathroom in his robe, drying his  
hair. "I'm still feeling the effects of that truth serum, but the shower  
helped."

"Assuming Rodney can deactivate the shield, are you still going to Earth?"

John opened his mouth to say no, but Rodney interrupted. "Yeah. Is it all  
right if I go, too? Since he's going," he added nervously. "It's Madison's  
birthday in a few weeks; can't believe I forgot. I really have to buy her a  
decent present."

Elizabeth gave him her knowing smile. "Don't think I don't know it was you  
who stole one of my Athosian figurines to give her."

"Yeah, but if I go to Earth I can go to a Toys-R-Us and buy her something  
really spectacular."

"All right, sure. Go, enjoy. Be back in four days."

"Will do," said John as Elizabeth left.

***

The Jumper emerged from the Pegasus Gate at the midway station. "I don't  
know why you rushed us out of there," John said. "I didn't actually need to  
deliver these by hand. We could have sent them as data in the next  
databurst." His hand hovered over the control to upload the next macro.

"Wait." Rodney grabbed John's hand. "I want to talk to you while we're  
alone."

"Extremely," said John, looking out into starless space, their own galaxy a  
huge spiral on the other side of the Gate.

"I..." Rodney wasn't looking at him. "I wondered if you would consider...  
uh."

"What, Rodney?"

"Us."

"Mc-KAY!"

"Us, getting... you know. Married."

John shook his head in a quick gesture, as though he was trying to get water  
out of his ears. "Did you just ask me to marry you?"

"Sort of... yeah."

"That's crazy."

"And you're female now. Any DNA test they could perform would confirm that.  
We wouldn't even have to go to Canada or Denmark or South Africa. We could  
do it perfectly legally in the States."

"South Africa has nice beaches..." John mused. That was another country  
relatively close to Antarctica that he'd been to on leave.

"But if we got married in the States it would actually be recognized in the  
States."

"I hate to break this to you, *Meredith*, but my birth certificate still  
says 'male'."

"We can get a new one. I bet General O'Neill will help us."

"And why would he do that?"

"He likes sticking it to 'the man'. I bet this will give him a thrill."

"Fine, but you ask him."

"Fine." Rodney waited. "Well, go on. Dial."

John uploaded the macro and dialed.

As the Gate activated Rodney suddenly realized, "You didn't say yes."

"Huh?"

"To us getting married."

"It's crazy. But if I can sit here and be, uh, you know," he waved in the  
direction of his lower body, "then marriage isn't nearly so far into the red  
on my Outfreak Meter. So, yes." Without waiting for a reply, Sheppard sent  
his GDO code and piloted the Jumper into the event horizon, not noticing the  
small, happy smile on Rodney's face.

***

Jack O'Neill had once thought he'd seen, heard and done it all. Body  
switching, androids, rapid aging, cloning. But this was a new one on him.  
He'd read the reports, of course, but to actually see Lieutenant Colonel  
John Sheppard in the flesh was something else. Sheppard looked nervous on  
the viewscreen, but McKay looked like he was about to throw up.

"I only have ten minutes. I'm on break from a meeting with some... high up  
people about some... really important stuff." Truth was, he only listened to  
the parts he considered important, and so far the people he was talking to  
had said nothing of importance.

"We understand that, General," Sheppard said. "We won't keep you long."

"We need you to expedite John's birth certificate and all his IDs to state  
his new gender," Rodney said.

O'Neill blinked. "You want me to get it changed to show he's a woman?"

"Yes, Sir," said Sheppard. "To make it easier for me when I'm on Earth. It's  
been two years and we haven't found anything resembling a way to reverse  
this. I'd like to still have a life, if that's okay."

Then, inexplicably to Jack, Sheppard and McKay exchanged an obviously  
meaningful glance.

"We need it by tomorrow," McKay said. And... was he *blushing*?

"What'd you do?" Jack asked.

"We might have... fallen in love," Rodney answered.

Jack grinned outright. "Aw, that's sweet. You want to get married."

"Yes, Sir."

"Really?" Jack was a bit surprised at Sheppard's answer. He'd thought they  
just wanted the ID to make it easier for them while on Earth. And while he  
was pretty conservative, O'Neill knew better than to judge people for being  
what they were. Except for the Goa'uld, of course. They were evil; they  
could be judged. And found guilty. And exterminated with extreme prejudice.

If he had thought about it at all (and he hadn't really), O'Neill wouldn't  
have pegged Sheppard and McKay for being friends, let alone a romantic  
couple. But he'd seen their closeness when he'd visited Atlantis. Their team  
worked, that much he knew.

"Sir?" Sheppard sounded nervous now, too.

"Okay, sure. I'll have the documents delivered to you at the SGC tomorrow  
morning. Good enough?"

"Yes! Thank you, General!" Rodney said, a huge grin on his face.

"Thank you, Sir," Sheppard said, all polite military formality. He reminded  
O'Neill of Sam Carter for that moment, and Jack wanted to scrub his brain  
out for that thought.

"You're welcome. Go nuts. Get married, have babies, populate the Pegasus  
Galaxy with little pilots and physicists."

He noticed their knowing smiles as he closed the channel. At least it wasn't  
a 'don't ask, don't tell' situation; he didn't see how anybody could think  
it was. And if he helped with this and got the paperwork for Sheppard, it  
would never become one. They needed good people like Sheppard and McKay out  
there, not in a stockade somewhere.

Jack called his second-in-command to fill in for him at the boring meeting  
while he made a few phone calls.

***

"Hey," came a voice as John and Rodney sat in the commissary. Although  
they'd left Atlantis in the morning, it had been afternoon at the SGC. Now  
they were eating dinner surrounded by Earth-based SG teams.

John looked up. It was Colonel Mitchell. John smirked. He knew Rodney hated  
Mitchell for the lemon incident. Rodney had torn him a new one over that,  
back when SG-1 had come to Atlantis to dial the Ori supergate. "It was a  
joke, Rodney," John had said.

"He threatened me with it," Rodney had yelled. "See how you'd like it, being  
threatened with something that could kill you!"

At the time, Sheppard had not apologized. He had never apologized to Rodney,  
even when he'd been in the wrong, when he'd been in his original body. But  
these last two years had shown him that Rodney understood him, and took the  
previous lack of apologies in his stride. It was easy now to apologize to  
Rodney, but sometimes John wondered if it made up for all those other times.  
He'd never brought it up, though, afraid of stirring up something best left  
alone.

Rodney didn't even greet Mitchell, he just continued eating. John couldn't  
blame him, but he did say, "Hey," in return.

Mitchell had his tray with him and sat down. "So, what brings the two of you  
to Earth?"

"When it becomes your business, I'll be sure to send you a memo," Rodney  
said nastily. In Sheppard's opinion he was probably justified.

"Whoa." Mitchell put his hands up. "Just a question."

"A stupid one," Rodney said.

"You'll have to forgive Rodney," John said, falling back slightly into  
'pilot banter'. "He's still not over the lemon incident."

Mitchell just shrugged. "Haven't seen you since you changed," he said to  
John. "You still act the same."

"Yeah, the Pegasus Galaxy is remarkably unprejudiced about things like that,  
with one or two exceptions."

"Do men hit on you?" Mitchell wanted to know.

"Sometimes," John said, remembering the clueless marine. There had also been  
the occasional incident offworld, but John had Rodney, so it was always easy  
to deflect attention by saying, "I'm taken." And John loved Rodney, so there  
was never even any question of being tempted. "It's not a problem," he said  
to Mitchell.

"Just as well you keep your hair short," Mitchell commented. "If you grew it,  
you'd look like Vala."

John looked over and saw Rodney biting his lip. He knew that Vala reminded  
Rodney of that woman on Farscape, and right now Rodney was manfully  
restraining himself from making some inappropriate comment. "Well, that's  
another reason never to grow it," John finally said.

"Vala's okay," Mitchell said. "I think she has a crush on Jackson. If she  
wasn't married, she'd probably have tipped him into bed by now."

"Vala's married?!" It apparently took shocking news to get Rodney to address  
Mitchell.

"Yeah, to some guy from the Ori galaxy. I actually think she really cares  
about him. Of course, she only married him because she was pregnant."

"Oh, yeah, that stuff with the Orisai." Rodney and John had both read those  
reports after Rodney had helped SG-1 with the supergate. There was no need  
to go into it further.

"Don't bring up Adria," came a voice. Vala had appeared, Daniel Jackson in  
tow.

"Hello," Daniel said, shaking hands with both of them, and acting as though  
John had never looked any different. They both sat down.

"Do you ever watch the Sci-Fi Channel?" Rodney asked Vala, out of the blue.

"Yes!" she replied enthusiastically. "You know who I think is hot on  
Battlestar Galactica? The Leoben Cylon!"

"I like Kara," Rodney admitted. "Especially when she has short hair. You  
ever watch Farscape?" he asked next.

"I love it!" Vala said. "But I can't find anybody else who likes it. Even  
that Wormhole Extreme guy, Martin, had no idea what I was talking about."

"No. No, no, no!" Mitchell stood up. "Just no." He left the table, shaking  
his head.

"What was that about?" John asked Daniel.

Daniel grinned, and it wasn't a particularly *nice* grin. "Apparently when  
that show first started when he was in Antarctica, people kept putting  
leather pants and bunny suits in his locker." Daniel really grinned then.  
"And when a bunny suit showed up in his locker here, he blamed me." With  
that, Daniel gave Vala a hard stare.

"It wasn't me, I swear!" she said. "I hadn't even seen that episode then!"

"I think it was Landry's daughter," Daniel confessed. "If it wasn't you," he  
said pointedly to Vala.

"It wasn't. Though I might have... made a sticker and put it on his gun."  
She grinned evilly.

"A sticker? With, what, 'Winona' on it?" John asked.

"Exactly!" Vala said, looking happy with herself.

"Well, Mitchell has that effect on people. You kinda like him, but then he  
does something that annoys you. I think, whoever put the suit in his locker,  
he must have annoyed them. That's his M.O."

"I wish I had time to find a bunny suit and put it in his locker," Rodney  
said.

"Someone put a leather outfit in my locker," Vala said.

Daniel just grinned even more evilly. "But you put it on and paraded  
around."

"It was sexy!" Vala protested.

"It was a Peacekeeper cooling suit!" Daniel said. "They sell those in sci-fi  
catalogs!"

"Who cares? I looked good."

"Too bad it went missing," Daniel said, mock-sadly.

"Yeah, funny how that happened." The way the two of them were looking at  
each other made John and Rodney uncomfortable. It was a little like their  
own relationship before they'd become romantically involved. They could both  
see Mitchell's point: if Vala hadn't been married, maybe something would  
have happened.

Now that Mitchell wasn't here, John had a sudden urge to tell people about  
him and Rodney. These people weren't in the military, but they were people  
of import. It felt right in a way to tell them. "Rodney and I are...  
involved," he said quietly. "We actually came back to Earth to get married."

"Wow," Daniel said. "Did it happen... you know, after?"

"Yeah."

"Well, uh, I guess congratulations are in order."

"Thanks," John and Rodney said together.

"You should have a bridal shower," Vala announced, then looked confused as  
all three men stared at her. "What? I've read books that say pre-wedding  
festivities are important. As long as you don't put your registration  
details in with the invitation. That's a big etiquette no-no."

"She's trying to fit in with Earth culture," Daniel explained.

"Doing a good job, from what I can tell," John said.

Vala grinned her 'I got something right, yay me' grin.

"But actually, we're going to Vegas. Call it an elopement. So we won't be  
having a shower or anything like that."

"Where's Sam?" Rodney asked, deliberately changing the subject.

"She's at Area 51," Daniel said. "Thor is helping us to try and boost Asgard  
shield strength to resist Ori energy weapons. But it's not going well." He  
sounded angry, and both John and Rodney knew the feeling.

"And Teal'c?"

"He's around somewhere, but he hates you," Vala said to Rodney. Then she  
looked at the shocked faces around her. "What? It's true; he told me. He  
said you tried to kill him."

"I DID NOT TRY TO KILL HIM!" Rodney yelled. "Colonel Simmons wanted me to  
come up with a timeframe. I did what he asked, based on the information I  
had. Granted, some of it was wrong, but that wasn't my fault."

Sheppard grabbed Rodney's arm. "Down, boy."

Mitchell did not deign to rejoin them, probably worried about bunny suit  
jokes or something.

John and Rodney went to their separate guest quarters for the night. And as  
promised, early the next morning, Sergeant Harriman came bearing a large  
envelope for John, "Courtesy of General O'Neill."

The envelope contained a new birth certificate, new driver's license, new  
state ID and new Air Force ID (although he already had one of those). He  
noticed that O'Neill had given him a very 'girly' second name (Annabelle),  
probably to balance out his male first name. John shook his head at  
'Annabelle'. Trust General O'Neill. John was grateful to him, but he knew  
better than to call the general and thank him. O'Neill would just be  
sarcastic. Instead, John would just owe him one.

The flight to Vegas was mercifully short, since they hitched a ride in an  
Air Force transport plane. Being 'in' with generals did come in handy  
sometimes. They had told Landry that they were stopping there briefly before  
visiting Rodney's sister and her family.

***

"I think I should wear a dress," John said, looking down at himself. He was  
wearing his usual off-duty attire of jeans and a T-shirt. He looked fine,  
but hardly like he was about to get married.

"Where will you get a dress at this late hour? Our appointment is for 3 pm."

"This is Vegas, Rodney. Marriage capital of the continental United States?  
I'm sure there are hundreds of stores out there with thousands of dresses."

"Do you think you should?" Rodney looked uncertain. "If they ever do try to  
court martial you, a wedding picture of you in a dress might help with our  
defense..."

"It won't come to that. Just... would my wearing one make you happy? I sort  
of feel like I should."

"I don't care if you wear a Wraith cocoon," Rodney said.

"Well, then, let's look the part. I'll go find something suitable, and you  
get your suit out and on."

John just went into the first bridal boutique he saw. "I need a dress," he  
said to the saleslady, who was alone in the store.

"Certainly, ma'am, when is the big day?"

"Oh, today, 3 pm."

The woman looked as though he'd slapped her. "Today? I can't possibly - "

"I'm on a schedule," John said, doing his military thing of riding roughshod  
over what the civilians wanted. "It doesn't have to be fancy; in fact I  
don't care what it looks like, as long as it looks vaguely like a wedding  
dress."

"Ma'am..."

"Lieutenant Colonel, actually," John said. "Take my size and sell me a dress.  
If you don't intend to, tell me now so I can go find a store that will."

He left the store twenty minutes later with a dress slung over his arm. He  
was halfway back to the hotel when he realized they didn't have rings. So he  
made another stop.

***

Rodney was wearing the same suit he'd worn to his awards dinner. He looked  
good in it, as he had last time. John put the dress on, combed his hair into  
what he hoped was a 'feminine' style, and put a coat (borrowed from the  
concierge downstairs) over the dress. "Okay, let's go."

"Can I see?" Rodney asked.

"Not till we get to the chapel."

The chapel was one of those cheapo Vegas deals, but it didn't really matter.  
As long as they had a goal, they could keep going. This way of doing things  
had served them well in Atlantis, and it was serving them well now.

John took the coat off as they prepared to go in. "So?"

"I..." Rodney was lost for words. "You're... I... Are we really doing this?  
You... it seems like a virtual environment. Any moment now I'm gonna wake up  
and find a Wraith trying to unplug me."

"Does that mean you like it?" Sheppard asked.

"You look so beautiful... like..."

"A woman, yeah."

"I was gonna say a celebrity. And yet here you are with me." Rodney looked  
quite shy.

John was going to make a remark about Rodney's self-esteem, but then the  
door opened and the minister's assistant ushered them in.

As they were getting ready, Rodney suddenly whispered, "Rings! I forgot  
about rings!"

John smirked. "Well, I didn't."

The minister came out with the forms which they'd filled in when they'd made  
the appointment. He looked over their birth certificates and other papers.  
"All right. John Sheppard and Meredith McKay." He smiled at John. "You're  
here, Meredith."

Rodney just looked pissed, but John grinned. "Actually, I'm Sheppard; he's  
McKay."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Her parents wanted a boy. I don't know what mine  
were thinking."

The minister had the organist play a few bars of the wedding march, and his  
assistant came and sat down behind them. They would serve as witnesses.

"Before I start, do either of you want to say anything? You indicated that  
you didn't write your own vows."

Rodney just shook his head; John tried to think of something appropriate.  
Anything he could say seemed trite. He loved Rodney, but Rodney already knew  
that. And he knew that Rodney loved him, even if it had taken a gender  
switch for them to admit it. Finally he also just shook his head, looking at  
Rodney and realizing that it didn't matter at this stage.

The minister started with the usual explanation of what marriage was, then  
fulfilled the legal requirement of asking for objections (who could object?  
The chapel was empty!) and finally got to the vows.

John didn't hear a thing that the minister said. There was a rushing sound  
in his ears and he felt light-headed. All he could see was Rodney's big blue  
eyes. But when Rodney inclined his head and John saw the minister looking at  
him expectantly, he managed to say, "I do." It must have been the correct  
response because the minister turned to Rodney and repeated the vows.

This time, John clearly heard Rodney's voice. "I do."

"Rings?" John did hear that. He fished them out from a fold of the dress,  
where he'd tied them with a bit of the lace. They were gold with a thread of  
silver running through them - plain but classy.

Putting the ring on Rodney's finger was just weird, but having Rodney put  
one on his finger felt right.

The minster then pronounced them man and wife - John had to restrain himself  
from saying, "Wife and husband" - and then it was time for the traditional  
kiss.

John sighed as his lips touched Rodney's, feeling the warmth and familiarity  
of Rodney's mouth. There was only time for a hint of tongue before Rodney  
was pulling back, probably embarrassed at kissing him in front of people  
they didn't know.

After that they only had to sign the marriage license, wait for the  
witnesses to sign it, get their certified copy, and they were back outside  
in the Vegas sun, wearing matching rings.

They'd hardly walked one block when Rodney suddenly turned and looked at him.  
"John."

"What." John was also a bit stunned by the whole thing.

"I... thank you. I never thought..." Rodney closed his mouth. "It doesn't  
matter."

"I love you, Rodney," John said matter-of-factly. "Now, wanna go to some  
fancy place and celebrate with a nice early dinner?" It was only ten minutes  
to four, or fifteen fifty in military parlance.

"I..." Rodney suddenly seemed shy. "I'd rather go back to the hotel and  
order room service." The way he said it made Sheppard realize that food  
wasn't exactly on Rodney's mind. It wasn't much on his, either.

***

John shoved Rodney onto the bed. Rodney had only been able to get his suit  
jacket and pants off before John had attacked him. John still had the dress  
on. He'd guessed - correctly - that Rodney would be turned on by it.

He did, however, pull off his underwear. He hadn't bothered with special  
underwear this time, because the dress had several layers, so it was  
military-issue jockeys that emerged from under the ivory dress.

Seeing the jockeys in John's hand made Rodney give a grunt. "You like this,  
McKay?" Sheppard asked, deliberately using Rodney's last name. "You like me  
in this, with nothing on underneath?"

Rodney just looked at him helplessly, the bulge in his boxers evidence that  
he did, indeed, like it. John stalked forward and began to pull the boxers  
off, careful of Rodney's erection.

"I want you," John said. "I want you in me." He climbed up over Rodney and  
straddled him, lifting the dress out of the way. "I want you to fuck me."

With each statement, Rodney got more desperate, his body tensing up more and  
more.

"Tell me you want it, too."

"I... yes."

"Say it, McKay."

"I want it too. I want... I want to fuck you." Rodney closed his eyes. "I  
always have."

John lifted himself carefully, took hold of Rodney's penis and slid himself  
down over it. "Oooh." He leaned forward and braced his hands on Rodney's  
shoulders. "That's better." He looked down into Rodney's eyes as he began to  
move, feeling the pleasure of Rodney inside him.

For his part, Rodney just went with it, let John do all the work. His own  
pleasure built up along with John's and he came at the exact time that John  
let go of his shoulders, arched his back, threw his head back and groaned  
through an orgasm that pulled every bit of Rodney's semen out of him.

John collapsed on top of Rodney, feeling him slip out as John lay down flat.  
"Wow," he said.

No answer. Rodney had no words.

"Does sex between us just get better or what?" John asked Rodney.

"Every time with you seems better than the previous time," Rodney confessed.  
"Sometimes I feel like I'm going to wake up and this will all have been a  
dream."

John moved over to the side. "Sometimes it does feel like a dream. A really  
GOOD dream," he added. "One that makes you wish you could sleep forever." He  
struggled to get comfortable, but wedding dresses were not made for sleeping  
in, so he sat up. "Help me get this off."

Rodney helped him, tossing the dress aside. They got under the covers.  
Pressed together, they fell asleep, warm and content.

***

Rodney awoke in the middle of the night feeling quite hungry. They'd missed  
dinner and he didn't want to have a hypoglycemic reaction. He'd just have a  
snack; there were energy bars in the mini-bar.

But as he moved to get up, he felt something wet. He turned on the bedside  
lamp, only to see...

"John! John!" Rodney shook John's shoulder, but John just rolled over with a  
mumble.

"John!"

"Hmmm... what? I'm up," John said, his head rising from the pillow.

"You're bleeding," Rodney said, panic in his voice.

"What?" John sat up. "Oh, God."

Rodney jumped out of the bed and grabbed his boxers. As he pulled them on he  
went for the phone and dialed 911. "I need an ambulance. My wife is bleeding.  
We're in room 342 at the Midrand. What? No, I didn't hit her. No, I think  
she's having a miscarriage. Just send the ambulance, thank you!" Rodney  
slammed down the phone and looked over at John, who hadn't moved. "John, we  
need to get some clothes on."

John was still looking at the blood. "What? Oh." He moved, standing up, and  
noted the blood on his legs and lower body. "I need a towel or something."

"I'll get it." Rodney rushed into the bathroom, wet a towel, and came out,  
where he wiped most of the blood away. Throwing the towel on the floor,  
Rodney snagged John's jockey shorts. "Here." He fished a T-shirt and jeans  
out of a drawer. John had put the jockeys on and he resisted Rodney's  
attempts to help him.

"I can do it, Rodney. It's blood, not a gaping wound." He pulled on the  
clothes as Rodney put on his own T-shirt and jeans.

The door banged open, and paramedics rushed in with a stretcher. "He... I  
mean, she... she's bleeding. I think... I think it might be the baby,"  
Rodney said. It was a demonstration of how rattled he was that he got the  
pronoun wrong in front of people.

Without arguing, John let them help him onto the stretcher.

The ride to the hospital was mercifully short.

***

Rodney paced up and down outside the exam room. He'd been thrown out after  
asking one question too many and distracting the doctor. Rodney didn't like  
doctors he couldn't intimidate.

Finally the doctor came out. Rodney looked at the wall clock and was amazed  
to see that only twenty minutes had gone by. "Your wife is going to be  
fine," the doctor said. She was in her early 40s and looked a little  
harassed.

"What about the baby?"

"It's touch and go. The placenta has separated a little from the uterine  
wall, but I think we caught it in time. Your wife needs to stay here for at  
least 48 hours. And she must stay in bed for at least a month after she  
leaves here."

Rodney wanted to slide down the wall he was so relieved. "We... just before  
this happened, we..."

But the doctor just nodded. "She told me. This happens; the sex had nothing  
to do with it. It would have happened anyway. So don't feel guilty, all  
right, Mister McKay?"

Rodney nodded, not even bothering to correct her on his title. "Can I go in  
now?"

"Sure."

Rodney rushed into the room, only to find John sitting up with the bed  
tilted. "Hey," John said. "See? I'm fine; nothing to worry about."

"I don't think I've ever been that scared, except for when Kolya let that  
Wraith feed on you." Rodney enveloped John in a hug.

"I knew you would come for me," John said. "I told the Wraith that and he  
didn't believe me, but you did. Everything's gonna be okay, Rodney."

Rodney pulled back. "The doctor... called you my wife. That made it, I dunno,  
real."

"Well, calling me your husband would have made no sense," John said,  
grinning.

"There's that."

"Look, go back to the hotel, take a shower, whatever, and find me something  
to wear. I can't wear this hideous thing," he said, indicating the hospital  
gown.

"Take a shower?" Rodney asked.

"You have blood on you," John pointed out.

"It's not the first time," Rodney said, and he sounded sad and a little  
angry about that. But he did as he was told: he went back to the hotel,  
showered, changed, and then bought a couple of women's nightgowns at one of  
the boutiques downstairs.

He knew he had to inform the SGC about what had happened; they needed to  
inform Elizabeth. Rodney knew that John would want to go right back to  
Atlantis, not be stuck in some temporary quarters at the SGC, and only  
Elizabeth could make that happen.

Rodney certainly didn't expect to see Elizabeth, Teyla, Ronon and Carson  
come rushing into the hospital a mere ten hours after he'd made the call to  
General Landry, though.

"Rodney? Where's John? What happened?" Elizabeth looked positively panicked.

"What happened to Sheppard?" Ronon asked, rather aggressively.

"He's sleeping, so I came out here to let him rest," Rodney said, indicating  
the waiting area where they were all currently standing. He had a lot to  
explain, and he didn't really know where to start.

Luckily, Carson was able to get the ball rolling. "I guess you could say it  
started with that truth serum Colonel Sheppard and his team were given. It  
messed with everyone's metabolism and hormones. In the Colonel's case, it  
neutralized the contraceptive injection I'd been giving him."

"He's pregnant?" Ronon asked, cutting to the core of the matter as usual.

"He was," Carson said. "I don't know if..."

"He still is," Rodney said. He looked only at Elizabeth. "It was one of the  
scariest things I've ever been through, Elizabeth. He started bleeding. I  
woke up, and there was blood all over."

"But you kept your head and he's fine, right?" Elizabeth asked.

Rodney nodded furiously. "The doctor said the placenta had separated a  
little from the uterine wall but they caught it in time. He has to stay in  
bed for another month."

"Maybe..." began Elizabeth, but Rodney cut her off.

"No. He wants to go home to Atlantis. That's why I called you. The Air Force  
might not allow it."

"I was going to say that maybe being in Atlantis would reduce his stress  
levels."

Rodney smiled shyly at that, grateful for her support.

Teyla still looked a little confused as she exchanged glances with Ronon.  
Ronon once again asked the question. "So... the baby is yours?"

Rodney blushed, but nodded. "Yes, it's mine. I hope no one has a problem  
with that."

"This is new, too," Carson said, indicating Rodney's ring.

"What is that?" Ronon asked.

"It's a wedding ring," Elizabeth said. "Earth people wear them as a symbol  
of their marriage."

Rodney backed up a couple of steps as they all gave him an accusatory look.  
"He was coming to Earth anyway," he said defensively. "I wanted to do it,  
for us and for the baby. And so that it would be legal even if he does  
manage to change back someday."

Rodney didn't notice that he was starting to shake in reaction, but Teyla  
did. "Rodney," she said.

"What?"

"You are shaking."

"I..."

Teyla came forward and put her arms around him. "We are here," she said.  
"You are not alone, Rodney."

"It's just... I love him so much," Rodney said, his breath hitching. "He  
didn't want it, you know. The baby. But I talked him into it, and now this  
happens. It's the universe punishing us."

"Stop that," Teyla said, her arms tightening. "This happened where a  
hospital was in reach instead of out on a mission where the baby could have  
been lost. It's not the universe, Rodney, it is fate."

Rodney nodded as Teyla let go of him. "Let's go see if he's awake."

***

John was indeed awake, and looked rather surprised at seeing his teammates.  
Especially Ronon, who was wearing SGC BDUs which, strangely enough, didn't  
look out of place on him.

"You gave us a scare, Sheppard," Ronon said.

"Yeah, sorry about that. I didn't plan on it."

"Why didn't the two of you say something?" Elizabeth asked. "There was no  
need to hide it; we would have supported you."

"I needed to get over some issues first," John admitted sheepishly. "And let  
me tell ya, having your legs in stirrups while a doctor looks up your nether  
regions will pretty much do it."

Elizabeth nodded knowingly.

"Can I go home?" John asked.

"I'll make sure you can," Elizabeth said. "But you have to follow the  
doctor's orders."

"I will, just get me out of here."

"I'll go find the doctor," said Carson, hurrying out.

***

As it turned out, John was allowed to go back to Atlantis, but someone not  
in his direct chain of command decided that there should be an "inquiry" -  
not a court martial - to discuss the events that had led up to him being  
hospitalized, and actually got the president to order one! Rodney never did  
get to visit his sister, give Maddy her present or for that matter even  
*buy* Maddy a present! They were sent right back to Atlantis before the ink  
on Sheppard's hospital discharge forms was even dry!

One advantage of being allowed to go back, though, was that the members of  
the inquiry had to come to Atlantis because John, on doctor's orders, could  
not keep going back and forth.

So now they were sitting in the briefing room with General O'Neill, Colonel  
Caldwell, Richard Woolsey and General Landry. O'Neill looked annoyed at  
being called away from Earth for something so *boring*, Colonel Caldwell  
just looked smug, Woolsey looked as nervous as he ever did offworld, and  
Landry just looked as though he'd rather have the whole thing over with.

The transcript of the inquiry looked like this:

Gen. O'Neill: We have some questions to ask, so let's get started.

R. Woolsey: General, we can't rush this. We need to find out exactly how  
events proceeded.

Gen. O'Neill: Proceeded, eh? Fine. Col. Sheppard, when did you and Dr. McKay  
first become... intimate?

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Uh... a couple of months after I was changed.

Gen. Landry: Let's just make sure everyone knows what that means. Col.  
Sheppard, can you explain, for the record, what happened?

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Rodney would be a better person to do that, General.

Gen. Landry: We might call him later. Explain in layman's terms, please.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: I accidentally triggered an Ancient device that removes a  
male's Y chromosome and somehow duplicates the X.

Col. Caldwell: It made you female?

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Yes, Sir.

Col. Caldwell: And at this point you felt it was acceptable to engage in a  
sexual relationship with another man?

Lt. Col. Sheppard: No, that came later. But come on, Colonel. If I couldn't  
change back - and I still can't - then shouldn't I be allowed to have a  
life?

Col. Caldwell: And you didn't think about the military's rules regarding  
homosexual relationships?

Lt. Col. Sheppard: No. I don't feel that's what it is. How is a relationship  
between a male and female in any way homosexual?

Col. Caldwell: You're saying that if you hadn't changed, this wouldn't have  
happened?

Lt. Col. Sheppard: That's what I'm saying.

R. Woolsey: What about rules of fraternization?

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Well, Rodney's not in the military.

Gen. Landry: You're splitting hairs, Colonel.

Gen. O'Neill: But he's right. There are no regulations against fraternizing  
with civilians, on your team or not.

The transcript went on like that, for eighty-seven pages. Mostly, Caldwell  
and Woolsey seemed to be trying to get Sheppard to admit that he and Rodney  
had been romantically involved before he'd changed, or that they had gotten  
married because they'd been caught out due to the pregnancy.

The board had also questioned Rodney, Ronon, Teyla, Elizabeth, Carson and  
Radek. But of course, they couldn't 'catch' any of them out because John  
and Rodney hadn't been involved before they said they'd been, and they  
hadn't told anyone until forced to.

Finally, after the umpteenth question about whether John now counted as a  
man or a woman, O'Neill brought the inquiry to a close. Rodney had barged in  
after half an hour of questions and through force of personality made John  
go back to his quarters, insisting he didn't need to be there for the whole  
thing. Sheppard *was* looking a bit peaked, and O'Neill knew in graphic  
detail what might happen if he got too stressed out. He knew because Rodney  
had yelled about it for half an hour.

O'Neill came to John's quarters a couple of hours later, to tell him what  
the 'inquiry board' had decided. Of course, Rodney opened the door.

"General."

"McKay. Can I come in? I want to deliver the good news before I head back to  
Earth."

Rodney stood aside and let O'Neill in. Sheppard was lying down, a rather  
large book in his hands. He looked to be about three-fifths of the way  
through. As O'Neill approached, Sheppard grinned. "Well, this enforced bed  
rest thing has given me a chance to get through War and Peace, at least."

"The board has decided that you haven't broken any regulations."

"So, once... you know... once it's over, I'm back in command of the military  
of Atlantis?"

"Yeah. It'll just break Major Lorne's heart." O'Neill didn't sound the least  
sympathetic towards Major Lorne. "I've gotta go. You take care of yourselves,  
and..." He gestured towards Sheppard.

Rodney smiled - a genuine smile. "We will. Thank you, General. Again."

"You're welcome," said O'Neill, also with a true smile for once, as he left.

After the door closed, Rodney came and sat down on the bed. He looked  
worried. "John... what if we do someday find a machine to change you back?  
Was what you said true, that nothing would have happened if you hadn't  
changed? Will we be over if you change back?" He sounded very worried.

"I don't know, Rodney. I had feelings for you, but I didn't think of them as  
sexual because I'm straight. Or I was. Whatever. But I can't give you up,  
not now."

"Because of the baby?" Despite the hospital, the doctors and everything  
they'd gone through, they hadn't really discussed "the baby". Rodney had  
been reluctant to bring it up, but it was like an elephant in the living  
room; you couldn't ignore it forever.

Sheppard sighed. "No, Rodney. Do you think I would have gone to another  
galaxy, gotten freaking *married* and put up with female indignities just  
because of that? It's you, you idiot. I love *you*."

"I... I know you don't really want the baby," Rodney said. "Thank you for  
doing this."

"Rodney." John sighed. "I was afraid, okay? I told you that. And this baby,  
it's part of you and me. We made it. That's amazing to me. I don't think of  
it as tangible yet, but I will. And I do want it, I promise."

"I love you," said Rodney, throwing his arms around John.

"I know," John said, and kissed him.

The kiss didn't get very far before Rodney pulled away. "No, no, Carson said  
we couldn't do this." Carson had said uterine contractions could be  
dangerous at this stage.

"I just want to kiss you."

"It never stops there."

"So you're willing to go seven more months without sex?"

"Aren't you?" Before this had happened, they had had sex daily, sometimes  
even twice or three times a day. In either body, Sheppard was highly sexed.  
Rodney couldn't believe John would be able to go without for seven months.

"Trust me, that experience has made sex the last thing on my mind... for me.  
But that doesn't mean you have to suffer," John said. And he meant it.

"I... no. That's okay."

John wasn't willing to argue about it, not now. "Okay, *Meredith*, but this  
bed rest thing isn't going to last the entire time."

Rodney's face indicated that he thought it probably would, but he didn't say  
anything.

***

As it was, Carson said it was all right for John to get up after three weeks  
\- but no offworld missions, of course, and no stick-fighting with Teyla or  
running with Ronon. Not being forced to lie down 95% of the time meant that  
John was just grateful to be let out of bed.

One thing that was hard to get used to was the stares of people. Although no  
one involved had said anything directly, the grapevine was working as usual  
and people knew about him and the baby. He got very annoyed when people  
looked in the direction of his abdomen instead of at his face, but he  
manfully restrained himself from yelling at them.

The day he realized he was 'showing' was a day of panic and wanting to hide.  
He spent the day sitting in a Puddle Jumper with his laptop open, playing  
various computer games on his emulator until Rodney came looking for him.

He and Rodney didn't spend much time together in public. Not that he was  
ashamed (anymore), but he didn't think they should give people more reasons  
to stare.

"Hey," Rodney said, coming to sit down next to him in the back of the Jumper.  
"What are you doing?"

"Making use of all those cool games you loaded for me." John tilted the  
laptop to show him.

"I love that game," Rodney said as large bird-like creatures attacked John's  
position. "What's it called again?"

"Phoenix, I think. Fun."

"Why are you in here?" Rodney asked.

"I'm freaked, okay? I needed to be away from people."

Rodney opened his mouth to ask why, but John grabbed his hand instead and  
put it over his lower belly. He didn't really feel anything too different,  
and his face must have indicated that, because John sighed loudly.

"I'm showing, Rodney."

Rodney tried his best not to, but a huge smile broke out on his face.

"Great," John said. "I'm freaked and you're happy about it."

"Sorry," Rodney said. "I... It's only going to get worse, you know."

John sneered at him. "Yeah, thanks for that. Can I at least have one day to  
freak out? Before I have to be all happy and serene?"

"Sure," said Rodney. He leaned over and kissed John, but as the kiss grew  
hot and heavy, Rodney pulled away, panting. He got up and rushed out of the  
Jumper.

"Rodney!" John yelled. He rushed through shutting down and closing the  
laptop, and then followed.

He found Rodney in the bathroom of his quarters, in the shower, his cock  
fisted in one hand, the other bracing himself against the wall. "Rodney!"

"Go away, John." Rodney didn't stop.

"You don't need to do this," he said, pulling off his BDUs and climbing in  
with him.

Ancient showers had nozzles that came from both sides instead of showerheads.  
By simply stepping forward or backwards, one was out of direct spray.

"Rodney, let me help. Please."

But it was too late. Rodney seized up, making a choked noise, and his semen  
splattered the wall of the shower. He didn't even look at John as he stepped  
directly into the spray, letting it rinse him off. He exited the shower,  
snagging a towel on the way.

John was only a bit damp, but he pulled his T-shirt back on and followed.  
"Rodney!" Why did every crisis come at once? Couldn't he get over his own  
freakout before having to deal with Rodney's? "Let me help you," he said. "I  
want us to make love, even if..." He trailed off at Rodney's look.

"You want to talk about this now? Fine. You like penetration," Rodney said  
bluntly. "You're telling me you'll be happy just 'helping' me with blowjobs  
or masturbation?"

John couldn't deny what Rodney had said. He did like it, and had been  
ashamed of liking it. "Yes, that's what I'm telling you. Even if that's all  
I do, it's still sex. It's *making love*. I want that with you."

"I just..." Rodney lay back on the bed. "I want you so much that I'm not  
sure I could resist if you were to start your 'fuck me, Rodney, I want you  
inside me' thing. Because, God, John, not being able to have sex with you is  
killing me here!"

"I know what's at stake, okay? My libido has taken a nose-dive because of it.  
I won't say it," he said, meaning the words he used to beg Rodney to fuck  
him. "But I still want to be with you. Promise me that the next time you get  
horny, you'll let me help you." No answer. "McKay!"

"Yes, all right!" Rodney yelled. "Can we just rest now?"

John smirked and got on the bed with him. "I miss this."

"Maybe we don't have to deprive ourselves completely," Rodney said. "I've  
missed this too."

They fell asleep like that, even though it was only early evening.

***

Rodney woke up to feel... oh. He looked down, to find John on all fours near  
the bottom of the bed, his mouth hovering over Rodney's erection. John  
dipped his head and took Rodney in his mouth, then let go.

"John...!"

"Tell me," Sheppard said.

"What?"

"That you want this."

"Are you crazy?"

John licked him briefly. "Say it then."

"God, yes, I want it. Suck me, please."

And John certainly did. He'd done this before, to other men as well as to  
Rodney, so it was easy. He knew what Rodney liked, and he gave it to him,  
alternating between hard suction and light, allowing Rodney's cock to slip  
from his mouth occasionally so that he could lick the tip.

He grinned as he saw Rodney's hands holding bunches of sheet. Rodney was SO  
ready... John leaned back down and took as much of Rodney in as he was able,  
providing just the right amount of suction so...

"Uh!" Rodney groaned. "Uhm! Oh!" And he came, filling John's mouth with  
semen. He collapsed back on the bed, spent.

John crawled up next to him. "See? That was making love."

"Don't tell me you're not horny," Rodney said.

"Sure I am, but I'll live. And just think how much you'll have to make up to  
me once this baby is born."

"I love you," Rodney said. "And the baby."

John pulled Rodney's head to rest on his shoulder, even though the angle was  
awkward. "I know, Rodney. Me too."

***

Two weeks later John felt the quickening. "Oh!" he suddenly said, startling  
Ronon, who was across the table from him, devouring lunch. Rodney was in the  
control room by the gate, tinkering with his remote shield program. Since  
he'd told people he was coming up with one - when really he'd just hacked  
into it that time - he'd decided to actually go ahead and write one.

John and Ronon usually sat in companionable silence while eating; Ronon  
could rival Rodney as far as food consumption went.

"Sheppard? What is it?" Ronon asked.

"I think... there it is. It's the baby."

Ronon just looked at him. "The baby."

"It moved," John said.

Ronon looked unimpressed.

"It's the first time I've felt it. I have to go tell Rodney." And getting up  
from the table, John walked as fast as he felt comfortable with to the  
control room.

"Rodney!"

"What? Busy here," said Rodney distractedly.

"The baby moved!" Sheppard yelled at him before he reached the top of the  
stairs. He didn't even consider all the people standing around staring; he  
just wanted Rodney to share in this.

"Really?" Rodney's eyes shone with unaccustomed joy.

"Yeah." Reaching him, John grabbed Rodney's hand and held it to himself.

Of course, Rodney didn't feel anything. "I don't..."

"Hmm. It stopped. But it moved, Rodney. Isn't that great?" For a second he  
looked like the old John Sheppard, positively gleeful about something.

"It really is," Rodney agreed.

They only noticed then that everyone - including Elizabeth, who had come out  
of her office - was staring at them.

Sheppard shrugged. "The baby moved," he said to the room at large and walked  
away with great dignity.

Rodney ducked his head as there was a small babble of laughter from the  
people in the control room. But it was the big deal that Sheppard made it  
out to be, and a good sign that everything was going to be all right.

***

Carson indicated the screen, where a fully 3-D view of the baby was  
projected. Sometimes he did like Ancient technology.

"See? There's your baby girl."

John looked at the screen. "Girl? It's a girl?"

"Wow," said Rodney, in a totally heartfelt tone. "She's beautiful."

"Makes all this hassle worth it, doesn't it?" Carson asked.

"Absolutely," John said. "Daddy's little girl. I like it."

"Technically, you're the mommy," Rodney said.

"And if you ever say that again, I'll shoot you," John told him. He turned  
to Carson. "It's been nearly six months. Can we ever have sex again?"

Carson turned red. "I think it's all right. But no penetration." He was  
looking at the floor as he said it.

"I think we can handle that," John said, getting up off the table. "Come on,  
Rodney." He practically yanked Rodney from the room.

He pushed Rodney up against the wall as soon as the doors to his quarters  
closed and began to divest him of his clothing. "Little help here, McKay."

"Carson said no - "

"I heard him. We're gonna do something else. Hurry up, I'm dying of lust!"  
Rodney helped, and soon they both had all their clothes off. John lay down  
on the bed, on his side. "Come on, McKay."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Lie behind me."

Rodney lay carefully behind John, who squirmed until Rodney's cock was in  
the crease of his ass. "Like this?"

"Yeah, perfect." John grabbed Rodney's hand and brought it to his own pubic  
area. "Touch me, Rodney."

Rodney finally understood what John wanted. If this was as close as they  
could get to actually having intercourse, he would take it. He found that  
sensitive bud of flesh and rubbed it slowly with his middle finger. "Like  
that?"

"Oooh, yeah. Move," John said.

Rodney moved, and the sensation was really good. He brought his other hand  
*under* John so that he could hold him. He spread his fingers across the  
bulge where the baby resided, his nose in John's hair. And then he did move,  
with more purpose, even as his fingers danced across John's flesh, stroking  
him into a frenzy.

"God, oh God, Rodney!" John whimpered, one arm holding Rodney to him.  
"Harder."

Rodney rubbed harder, and thrust harder along that inviting crease.

"I... I wish you could be... be in... inside... me!" John said breathlessly,  
grabbing Rodney's hand and jamming it against that female nerve cluster.  
"Oooh!" He threw his head back, luckily missing his mate's nose, and came,  
his body spasming with a pleasure he hadn't had in far too long.

And then he just lay there, aware that Rodney had stopped moving. "Come on,  
finish it," he said.

That was all Rodney needed, as he took the hand that had been rubbing John,  
braced it on the bed, and thrust hard: once, twice, three times, coming with  
grunts of pleasure.

John pushed him away slightly so that he could turn onto his back. "See?  
Good. Everything's fine."

"What have we done?" Rodney asked suddenly. "We're insane, you know. Getting  
married; having a baby out here in another galaxy. What were we thinking?"

"I don't know," John said. "I was thinking that I wanted you, that's about  
all I care to remember." He sat up a little, looking down at Rodney. "And  
you know what? I'm not sorry."

"I'm not either," Rodney said, smiling up at him lopsidedly.

***

John was beginning to feel like he'd explode. He was starting to wonder what  
Carson would do if we just marched into the infirmary and demanded Carson  
take the baby out right now. "Three more weeks, just three," became his  
mantra.

Then Major Lorne's voice sprung into life on his radio. "Colonel Sheppard to  
the Gate Room."

"What is it?" John asked, heaving himself up from the chair where he'd been  
sitting doing some paperwork.

"You'd better see for yourself, Colonel."

"On my way," John said, thanking his lucky stars that his quarters were  
right by a transporter.

As he came into the control room, Major Lorne's eyes widened. Sheppard  
hadn't seen the major for a couple of weeks, since Lorne had been out on  
missions and he'd been resting or hanging out with Rodney in the labs.

"What?" he asked.

"Uh... nothing," said Lorne.

"I look like a whale, I know. Throw me into the sea and I'll float. Or  
something." His expression became serious. "What do you have?"

"Sir, we think we may have found the companion planet to the one where the  
machine changed you."

Sheppard looked at him. "You found one that will change me back?"

"We don't know, Sir. The structure and layout of the facility are identical  
to the other one. It might have the same function, but we won't know that  
until Doctor Weir translates the data for us."

Feeling a sense of panic that he couldn't really control, John turned  
towards where Elizabeth's office was. She was already on her way to him.

"I'll go at once, John. Just don't get your hopes up yet, okay? Let me work  
on it before we go rushing in."

"I... yeah." He put a hand on his stomach, making overt reference to the  
baby, something he didn't usually do. "Not that I could rush at this stage.  
Oooh."

Elizabeth became concerned. "What is it?"

"She's just kicking; I'm fine."

Elizabeth came towards him, her hand outstretched, but she didn't touch.  
"May I?"

"Huh?" said John. He tended to hold himself aloof from people, and usually  
acted as if he didn't know what people wanted when they tried to touch him.  
"Oh, the baby. Sure; here." He took Elizabeth's hand and placed it where she  
would be able to feel the movement.

"Oh," was all Weir said, her eyes getting really big. "That's... that's  
amazing, John."

John grinned his old 'I'm so charming' grin. "I know."

"Let's go to my office," Weir said, noticing that everyone was staring as  
usual. "Major," she addressed Lorne, "I want you to schedule another mission  
to that planet for tomorrow."

"Yes, Ma'am."

John followed Elizabeth into her office.

"So, how are you feeling?" Elizabeth asked once John had sat down.

"Like a beached whale when I lie down. And sometimes I want to smack Rodney  
when he feels the baby and gets this shit-eating grin on his face. You know  
the one I mean."

Elizabeth smirked. "Yeah, I do."

"I'm changing back," John said. "No matter what happens. If that machine  
will do it, I'm changing back."

"I understand."

"Do you? I'm not sure Rodney will. I'm not even sure... But I want to be  
what I was."

"What about the baby?" Elizabeth asked.

"I don't see how being male will make me any worse of a parent."

"But you'll have the baby first."

"What?" John realized she thought he'd just rush through the machine, baby  
or not. He supposed he couldn't really blame her; he'd almost had an  
abortion, after all. It had just been the shock of the whole thing, of the  
feeling that people would know about him and Rodney and what they'd been  
doing. He didn't care about that at all anymore, and now every time the baby  
moved, he felt an intense joy and a deeper connection to Rodney. Part of  
Rodney was *inside* him, and he loved that. He loved the baby they had made  
together. "Of course I'll have the baby first," he said to Elizabeth. "I've  
been female for more than two years; I can wait a month or two longer."

"I'll get started on those translations tomorrow," Elizabeth said, clearly  
dismissing him.

"Great. Thanks," John said as he heaved himself up and exited.

***

Rodney hadn't said much after John had told him the news in the mess at  
dinner. He just turned really quiet, which was strange because he was  
usually complaining about some idiotic thing Zelenka or one of their  
assistants had done that day.

He didn't say anything even after they returned to their quarters. John put  
on one of the voluminous T-shirts Jeannie had sent after being told the news.  
Rodney put on his own, along with his boxers, and got into bed. He had never  
been this quiet.

"Okay, what is it?" John asked.

"Nothing; I'm just tired. Go to sleep, John. You need it."

"Oh, no, McKay, don't try that with me. Spill it."

Rodney sat up and turned to look at him. "Fine. You're gonna do it, aren't  
you? If it turns out to be a reversal machine. You're gonna do it."

"IF it turns out to be one, yeah, of course I'm gonna do it." John could see  
why Rodney would hope he wouldn't, but that had never been an option in his  
mind. Never. "Rodney. I'm a man, this - " he indicated his stomach -  
"notwithstanding. I still think like a man and act like one. Well, mostly.  
This isn't natural to me, okay?"

"I know, I know," Rodney sighed. And he did know. But... "What about the  
baby?"

"You and Weir both. I'll tell you what I told her: I don't see how being  
male will make me any worse as a parent."

"Babies who are breastfed develop less allergies in life. They need the  
antibodies in the milk."

"You really had a whole little 'mommy' scenario worked out for me, didn't  
you?" John asked nastily.

That hurt Rodney, as John could see. The baby kicked inside him, as if to  
agree with her father. That really had been below the belt. When Rodney  
spoke, he was holding back emotion. "I didn't know that... that wanting the  
best for my child was a crime." He looked at John. "You didn't want her  
anyway. You would have aborted her if I hadn't stopped you."

"That had nothing - " began John, knowing he deserved that for hurting  
Rodney first, but Rodney got out of bed and went to the panel separating  
their quarters.

"You know what? I think I'll be better in my own quarters." He opened the  
panel, went through and closed it again.

John just lay in bed, wondering what the hell had happened.

***

He didn't see Rodney the next day, or the day after that. On the third day  
of their silence, Elizabeth called him into her office again. She had  
translated the main body of text and the machine *was* a companion machine  
to the one that had done this to him.

"It basically says that if we load the database of that machine onto a  
particular crystal and insert it into a slot on this machine, when you go  
through the machine has the template of what you were like before, and will  
restore your Y chromosome."

John tried to smile, but it was forced. "That's great, Elizabeth."

"So why aren't you happy?"

"Rodney and I said... some things. He thinks I'm selfish for wanting to go  
back. And I hurt him by insinuating that he thought of me as 'the little  
woman'."

"He loves you," Elizabeth shrugged. "And he loves that baby. I don't think  
he really sees what this means to you."

"That's just the thing; he does. He's been the only one who has, through  
everything. He just... he wants me to *breastfeed* her! That means waiting  
longer. Not to mention... yuk." John made a face.

"You hadn't thought about it?"

"I was trying not to."

"Well, studies have shown that it's better for the baby," Weir said, making  
Sheppard want to strangle her. "Why don't you and Rodney come up with a  
compromise as to how long you're willing to do it."

"I guess," John said. He did want the baby to have the best possible start  
in life.

"Trust me, you're both so stubborn that a compromise will be the best  
thing."

"Yeah, I know you're right," John said.

"So, why are you still here? Go; make things right with your husband."

Few people called Rodney that in his presence, even though it was completely  
accurate. John just frowned at her as he left.

***

John found Rodney in his lab. "I need to talk to you."

"Not now; busy."

"Now."

"No." Rodney could really be stubborn at times.

"Fine," John said. "You want people to hear this, that's fine." He took a  
breath. "Look, I'm sorry for what I said, okay? I just... it felt like you  
were trying to trap me like this."

Rodney finally looked at him. "You know that isn't true."

"Do we have to talk about this here?" John indicated the lab techs and  
Zelenka, who were all making it very obvious that they were listening to the  
conversation.

"Yeah, all right," Rodney said as he indicated to John to leave the lab. He  
followed and they found a quiet hallway. "I'm sorry too," Rodney said. "I  
promised myself I'd never bring up the abortion thing and then I did. But  
you hurt me."

"I know, and I said I was sorry."

"I want you to be happy," Rodney said. "But it scares me. What if you change  
back and you don't feel the same anymore? What about me and the baby then?"

"You really think I'd stop loving you?"

"I don't know. You were straight before. Well, mostly. And me... I fell for  
you anyway, knowing nothing would happen. It's a hard thing for me. Maybe  
you just... maybe it was because I was closest to you, that you fixated on  
me when you changed." At John's look he added, "It's possible."

"I don't think so, Rodney," John said. "But that's not why I wanted to talk.  
I do want to go back to what I was, but I don't want the baby hurt or  
compromised because of it. I love her already."

"Six weeks," Rodney said. "Just give it six weeks after she's born."

"Why six?"

Rodney looked at him rather shyly. "I'd like to make love to you like this  
just once more before you change back. Selfish, I know."

"No, it's not," John said. "I'd like you to make love to me like this once  
more, too."

Rodney had that uncertain look. "Really?"

John opened his mouth to say yes, but instead a groan came out as a sharp  
pain went through him. "That wasn't pleasant," he commented.

"Contraction?"

"Must be. I've had one or two before, but Carson said they weren't anything  
to be worried about, remember?"

"There are still three weeks to go," Rodney said, as if John was doing this  
to spite him.

"Thank you, Rodney, I wasn't aware of that," John said in an annoyed tone.

"Sorry," Rodney said. "But let's go to the infirmary."

***

Twenty-nine hours.

John had never thought twenty-nine hours could seem like twenty-nine  
freakin' *years*, but it did.

"It's just going a bit slowly," Carson said. "Nothing to worry about; you're  
fine." This after four hours.

"You're getting there; just be patient." This after ten hours.

By fifteen hours John was feeling a bit like Rachel in that Friends episode  
\- not that he'd admit to *ever* watching that, of course.

By eighteen Carson was making noises about doing a Caesarian, but since the  
baby was doing fine, he just said, "I prefer natural birth if at all  
possible."

"You prefer!" John yelled. "Get it OUT of me!"

Rodney had turned red by this stage and was insulting not only Carson but  
all his ancestors.

Strangely enough, Ronon coming in, grabbing him by the hand and saying, "You  
can do it, Sheppard," made him feel much better than both Rodney and Carson  
put together. He hung onto Ronon for the next few contractions, but finally  
let go when Rodney started to look unhappy. Was it his fault that Ronon was  
big and strong and comforting?

"Please, Carson, make it stop," John begged at twenty-four.

"Let's just wait a little longer," Carson said. "I'd rather not cut you open  
if I can help it. Your wee little one is all right. It's just going slowly."

Carson was yelling to the nurses to get everything ready for a C-section  
when John suddenly yelled, "Now... I... Rodney!!"

And then there was no more waiting.

***

The red and wrinkled baby girl lay on his chest and blinked bright blue eyes  
at him. John felt a rush of love more powerful than anything he'd ever felt  
before. He knew in that instant that he would do anything for this tiny  
scrap of life that he and Rodney had made. Anything.

Rodney was touching her reverently. "God, John, she's so beautiful." He had  
tears in his eyes as he said it. "She's so beautiful, so beautiful."

"Yeah," John agreed, too tired to say much else.

"Do you want to show Elizabeth and the rest of your team?" Carson asked.  
"They're all outside."

John looked up at Rodney. "You... you take her, I'm just gonna nap for a  
while, okay?" He closed his eyes and let himself drift as Carson scooped the  
baby up and gave her to Rodney.

***

Rodney held the baby so Elizabeth, Radek and his teammates could see her.

"She is beautiful," said Teyla.

"She has your eyes," Elizabeth said.

Radek murmured something in Czech that Rodney knew was appreciative.

"She's really small," Ronon said.

"Six pounds four ounces," Rodney said. "Not all that small. I was only five  
pounds nine ounces at birth, you know."

No one made a comment; they were all too busy looking at the baby. She was  
the first baby born on Atlantis in 10,000 years, but that wasn't it, he knew.  
She was a bona-fide miracle that he and John had made. Now he had an inkling  
of what the Ancients must have felt, to see life bloom because of their  
actions.

"What are you going to name her?" Elizabeth asked.

Some people had suggested names, but he and John... they had decided almost  
as soon as they'd found out it was a girl. "Erin."

"Like that woman in the leather on those DVDs?" asked Teyla.

"Huh?"

"With the ship that's alive?" She mimed an oblong shape.

"Oh, you mean Aeryn Sun. No, no, we just liked the name." The fact that he  
and Sheppard had both confessed to having crushes on Erin Gray from Buck  
Rogers in their youth was a secret. Rodney looked at his baby daughter. Erin  
McKay. It worked.

He took her back into the infirmary then, and went to get some rest. He'd  
need it; he'd heard babies were a lot of work - they needed feeding every  
two hours or something like that. Luckily John, being in the military, would  
be able to handle his sleep being interrupted.

***

"Normally I wouldn't recommend this," Carson said, letting John out of the  
infirmary, "but I think you should alternate breast and bottle feeding, to  
make it easier when... well." He stopped. "Also, you can take turns feeding  
her this way."

"Okay, now this book I read said the first two weeks are crucial with the  
mother's milk thing. I suggest we start alternating after that," Rodney said,  
looking at John.

"I'm not a cow, you know," said John.

"I never suggested you were," Rodney told him defensively. "I just... I  
don't want to do this wrong so she ends up with a dozen allergies or  
something. It's really not fun, take my word for it."

"All right, Rodney, all right." John took command prerogative and handed his  
duffel bag to Rodney while taking Erin from Carson.

They were stopped about a dozen times on the way to their quarters because  
everyone wanted to admire the baby. Teyla had already brought some gifts  
from the Athosians. Rodney didn't tell her, but he fully intended to  
sterilize everything in the lab before letting it near the baby. Still, he  
suspected Teyla knew because she didn't actually try to put any of the cute  
Athosian baby clothes *on* Erin.

Finally, John was able to relax. He sat on one of the Atlantean couches that  
Elizabeth had insisted they needed. Elizabeth had commissioned a cradle from  
one of the artisans on the mainland, the same person who'd carved some of  
the pieces in her office. It had been her gift to them.

"Well," John said, as Rodney put his stuff away for him.

For the first time in many months, Rodney looked uncomfortable. "Well."

"We're parents," John said, just to say it out loud. "We have a child." He  
smiled down at the baby.

Rodney's heart lurched at the sight. "I... yeah. We do. Have a... a child, I  
mean."

"She has your mouth," John pointed out.

"Poor kid; what's worse is she has your ears."

"So if she ever wants to play a Vulcan she'll be set." John smirked at  
Rodney. "Come here." He waited until Rodney, still looking nervous, sat down  
with him, then he leaned over. "Kiss me."

"N... now?"

"No, tomorrow morning. Of course now."

"I..." Rodney began, but Sheppard cut him off by covering Rodney's mouth  
with his own.

Although Rodney opened his mouth and felt John's tongue search for his,  
there was nothing really sexual in the kiss. It was more a confirmation; a  
comfort for them both.

Finally, when they pulled back, Rodney asked, "Are you sorry? About any of  
it?"

John smiled again, happily this time. "No. Look at her, Rodney. Erin Needs A  
Middle Name McKay. She's here and she's ours, and I never thought I could  
love anything as much."

"I know what you mean," Rodney said. He paused. "She does need a middle  
name."

John snorted.

"Why don't we just use Sheppard for her middle name?" asked Rodney. It  
seemed logical to him.

"I guess we could. I was against a hyphenated last name, but this would be  
similar. Actually, I was thinking of naming her after Elizabeth. Erin  
Elizabeth McKay."

"It really wouldn't bother you if she didn't have your last name?" Rodney  
asked. And that had surprised him - that Sheppard didn't particularly care  
about it. He thought that maybe it had something to do with the fact that  
John never talked about his family. He could relate.

"It really wouldn't bother me," John reiterated.

"Then let's do that," Rodney said. "Erin Elizabeth McKay."

"I'm putting Erin Elizabeth in her cradle now," John said, getting up  
carefully with her in his arms.

"Don't - "

"Don't put her face down. I know, Rodney, I'm not a complete idiot. I could  
have been in MENSA."

Rodney just smiled at that. At least his daughter was getting genius genes  
from both sides of her family.

***

Rodney felt like time was moving too fast. Erin was a month old already and  
while she was perfect and beautiful and something he'd never known he'd  
wanted, he knew the time was coming when John would be going to the reversal  
planet.

Honestly, he didn't know how he felt about that. He had loved Sheppard  
almost from the beginning, when Sheppard had asked Elizabeth who the best  
science person was for his team and taken Rodney over the objections of  
people like Bates. Rodney knew that others had wanted the premiere team  
position and were jealous that he'd gotten it. But he knew he'd proved  
himself, and that Sheppard had never doubted his decision to put Rodney on  
his team.

John Sheppard had somehow become not only his best friend, but somebody he  
loved so much that sometimes he'd wondered if he wasn't going a bit crazy.  
And when John had been turned into a female version of himself, Rodney had  
supported him, never once thinking that he had a chance.

John said that things wouldn't change when he got his original body back,  
but Rodney was still frightened. Sheppard had been straight, a few back room  
encounters for relief notwithstanding. He knew John loved him, but loving  
someone and being sexually attracted to them didn't always go together. What  
if John wasn't attracted to him anymore once he changed? Rodney didn't think  
he'd be able to handle it if John rejected him for some busty blonde.

Rodney felt movement as John rolled over in bed next to him. "You're  
thinking too much," John said, rubbing Rodney's stomach in a soothing  
gesture.

"It's my turn to feed Erin," Rodney said. "You should be sleeping."

"Stop worrying, Rodney. Everything will work out."

"How did...?" But John was smart; he knew the things that Rodney worried  
about. "I love you," Rodney said, just to say it while he still could.

"I'm not gonna leave you when I change back," John said.

"You can't know that." Rodney sat up. "Well, you can't!"

"Who says you won't leave me?"

"I loved you before you changed; that would be stupid."

"Rodney." John sat up as well. "I loved you too. I never thought about us  
being together, but I still loved you."

"Were you attracted to me? Sexually, I mean?"

John sighed. He'd never allowed himself to become attracted to any men he  
had to work with, and the same went for women he worked with. The point was  
moot. But he knew Rodney would worry himself half to death if he didn't say  
yes. "If I'd met you in a gay bar in Australia or Cape Town or somewhere,  
then yes, I would have been attracted to you." It was the best he could do.

Erin began to make little crying noises then, and Rodney got up to fetch her.

 

"Give her here," John said.

"It's my turn."

"I'm awake, and I don't mind." John pulled off his T-shirt and brought the  
baby to his breast as soon as Rodney handed her to him.

It felt strange. Good, but very strange. That had been the first thing John  
had thought when he'd first done this. The feelings he'd had for this tiny  
little girl had been overwhelming, and he'd made sure to do it in private  
the first few times. Even Carson was not allowed anywhere near, and Carson  
had seen everything John had.

But the first time he'd let Rodney watch, Rodney had made a strangled noise  
and closed his eyes.

"What?" John had asked, wondering if Rodney was freaking out.

"I've never seen anything so beautiful," Rodney had said, his eyes welling  
up. "I never thought I'd have kids. I've been exposed to a lot of radiation  
in my time..."

Now, John liked it when Rodney watched. It made him feel almost sexy in a  
way. He looked out of the corner of his eye and Rodney was rooted to the  
spot, staring with awe on his face. It almost - almost - made him want to  
change his mind, throw caution to the winds and say he wouldn't do it.

But bottom line: despite everything, he was a man. No matter what he'd said  
to the board of inquiry, no matter what he and Rodney had done in bed, no  
matter what he was doing now, no matter what he had done just a month ago.  
He wouldn't trade those experiences for anything, but they didn't change who  
he fundamentally was. He was Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, and  
Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard was a man.

He couldn't afford to wonder what the military would say after he'd changed.  
He couldn't afford to have any doubts. He had to do this, and he just hoped  
that when it was over, he and Rodney would still have their relationship.  
They were tied together for ever because of Erin, and he hoped they would  
remain tied together because of their feelings for one another as well.

When Erin was finished, John passed her to Rodney to burp.

As he patted her tiny back, Rodney said, "I'll never get used to this. Doing  
this, or seeing that."

John just smiled. There was really nothing to say to that.

***

Six weeks. Today Erin was six weeks old, and doing great. She was your  
perfect "average" baby. If the books said an average baby did something at a  
certain age or developmental level, Erin did it as if on cue. She was  
smiling now, and because she was passed around so much by everyone in the  
city, she liked most people and went readily.

But she adored Ronon. Whenever Ronon came near, she would smile hugely and  
kick her tiny legs. Even more strangely, Ronon adored her. He would strap  
her to his chest in the Athosian way that Teyla demonstrated, and she would  
be quite happy there for hours. Ronon would feed her and change her diaper  
without complaint, which was great for Rodney when he had some city  
emergency to deal with or John was tired.

A week previously, Carson had given John some medication to stop the  
lactation, and they were now feeding her exclusively on formula, so anybody  
could feed her. But she went right off to sleep afterwards if Ronon fed her.  
And seeing Ronon - this huge man with dreads - holding this tiny, delicate  
little girl? It was *sweet*. But of course, no one would dare to say this to  
his face.

John and Rodney had both asked for the day off, barring attack from the  
Wraith or some Genii political nonsense. Ronon came for her early, strapping  
her on with practiced ease. "Thanks for this," he said.

"You're our official babysitter, you know," Rodney said.

"Whatever you say, McKay," Ronon said as he collected the baby things and  
exited.

"I don't think he takes me seriously," Rodney commented as John came up  
behind him and grabbed him from behind.

"Make love to me," John said, kissing Rodney's neck in just the spot he knew  
Rodney liked.

"Oh, God," Rodney groaned. He turned around and embraced Sheppard, kissing  
him with some of the old fervor.

John walked Rodney towards the bed, pushing him down and climbing over him.  
It was only while he was unzipping McKay's pants that John realized Rodney  
wasn't... interested. "Rodney?"

"What?"

"You're not even hard," John told him.

Rodney turned over, away from John. "I'm sorry," he mumbled into the covers.

"What's going on?"

"If we... we do this, you're going to that planet," Rodney said. "I... I  
don't know if I can just do this and have you go off and change. I'm not  
that strong." Rodney sounded ashamed.

"I'm not gonna jump right out of bed and rush through the Gate or anything,"  
John said. "We still have to download the information from the other site.  
It'll be a few days."

Rodney sat up. "I can't do this, John. I'm sorry, but I can't. Not knowing  
what you'll do afterwards. So why don't you use this free time to take  
Zelenka and Elizabeth and whoever else you'll need and just go and get all  
that taken care of."

"Rodney - "

"I mean it, Colonel. Just go and do it. Get it done."

John cuddled up to him. "Rodney, I want you," he said. "I want you to fuck  
me one last time."

"To *fuck* you?"

"Whatever words we use, it's still love. Come on, McKay, don't be like  
this." John was starting to get angry.

But Rodney didn't budge. "Gee, no wonder you go through women like hair gel  
if that's your seduction technique."

John recoiled as though Rodney had hit him. "So it's not okay for me to want  
to make love to my husband like this one last time?"

Rodney turned away. "No, it's not."

***

Elizabeth stood in front of the machine. "Your first full day without the  
baby and you want to come here? Couldn't you and Rodney just have some  
private time together?"

John restrained himself from snapping at her; it wasn't her fault. It wasn't  
really anybody's fault. "How's it coming?" he said.

"When that panel there blinks," Elizabeth indicated, "the database is  
uploaded."

"How long will that take?"

"Not long," Zelenka answered. "It's almost done now. I believe all we have  
to do is fit the crystal into the right slot on other machine, and it will  
be ready."

"And there it is," Elizabeth said, as the panel's white light began to blink.  
She removed the crystal from the slot. "John, seriously, let Radek and I  
finish with this. We'll download the information into the other database and  
make sure everything is ready. You go and spend a few last hours with  
Rodney."

John did feel bad about how they had left things, but he understood how  
Rodney was feeling. He was feeling pretty much the same. He waited until  
Elizabeth had moved far enough away from Zelenka, then he said, "Elizabeth,  
do you think I'm making a mistake?"

"Why?"

"Doing this. I adapted to being a woman." He smirked slightly. "I couldn't  
even say it when this first happened. But I'm fine like this. I have a good  
person to love me; I even have a daughter. Is it selfish to want to be the  
way I was? To be a man again?"

Elizabeth just shook her head. "I don't think it's selfish at all. You  
adapted to being in a woman's body, but you're not one. You'll never adapt  
so much that you start acting like one. You're more like... someone who  
suffers nerve damage and can't use one of their arms. You adapt, but given  
the chance to reverse the nerve damage, you'd do it."

"So being a woman is like having nerve damage?"

Elizabeth shrugged. "For me, being a man would be like having nerve damage.  
You are what you are. And you're a man, John Sheppard."

"Why did we never... you know?"

"Aside from the fact that I was still in love with Simon? You were under my  
command. And I knew I wasn't right for you. Don't get me wrong, John - I  
love you very much. But I love you like a relative. And we both know I'm not  
your type."

"Oh? What is?"

Weir grinned broadly as she answered. "Brilliant, irritable and  
condescending."

"Yeah," John said. "Okay, I'll take your advice. You and Zelenka finish with  
all the preparations. I'm going back to Atlantis to *try* to talk some sense  
into my husband."

***

He found Rodney holding Erin and singing to her softly. He'd never heard  
Rodney sing before. "Rodney."

Rodney looked up. "Oh. Not done yet, I see."

"No. But I'm going through with it. And Rodney - it's not because I don't  
love you or want you. It's not that I don't value what we have, okay? I  
intend to get this ring resized when I'm back to what I was. I love you very  
much. When I stood there and married you, I meant the 'I do'. No matter what  
happens, that won't change. But I've gotta do this. I would have liked to  
have the memory of you being inside me one more time. But if you can't  
handle it, that's fine too. We'll just make new memories."

"I can't handle it," Rodney said. "I'm sorry, John. I just can't. I wish I  
could."

"It doesn't matter," John said, meaning it.

That night, they lay in bed together, holding on but nothing else. John had  
respected Rodney's decision, and he hoped that Rodney would come to respect  
his. This was how it had to be.

***

This time, when John woke up feeling like he'd been beamed through a cheese  
grater, he knew why. At least he wasn't strapped down in the infirmary this  
time. He blinked over and over, his vision still blurred. It had been last  
time, too.

"Colonel?" Carson's voice.

"John?" Elizabeth.

Why didn't he hear Rodney? He had asked Rodney to come with him, and Rodney  
had agreed. He'd only realized when he'd been about to deliver Erin exactly  
how much he depended on Rodney for support. So where was he?

"Rodney?" John asked. "Where's Rodney?" Furiously rubbing his eyes, John  
tried to sit up.

"I'm here! Just hold on!"

Hearing Rodney's voice, John simmered down. And then with a rush of relief,  
he realized he had *his* voice back. His original, male voice! "It worked?"  
he asked.

"It worked, Colonel," said Carson. "You can sit up now, but be careful  
because your center of gravity will be different to what you're used to."

His vision was starting to clear, and John felt great relief when Rodney  
grabbed his hand and helped him into a sitting position on the bench.

This machine was slightly different: the other had looked a bit like a  
shower stall or stasis chamber, but this one was more like an MRI machine,  
only with the opening on the side. Perhaps the Ancients had realized the  
other design wasn't good for people who'd been changed, because they came  
out of it unconscious and you couldn't *stand* while unconscious.

John looked down and saw his own, original legs. "Help me, Rodney." With  
Rodney balancing him on one side, John got off the bench. He was a little  
unsteady, but he stood. "Wow. Okay."

"How do you feel?" Carson asked.

"I feel..." John took a moment. He felt... strangely normal. He held in a  
smile realizing that he was taller than Rodney again. "I feel great."

"Then we should get back to Atlantis," the doctor said. "But I'll fly the  
Jumper; you rest in the back."

John walked gingerly out of the building and into the Jumper, still holding  
onto Rodney just in case. He'd hardly even noticed that they must have put  
the scrubs on him before he'd come around. But that was okay; green *was*  
his color

John lay back on the seat as Carson piloted the Jumper through the Stargate.  
He felt a profound sense of relief at finally being back to what he was  
supposed to be. And Rodney was there, not saying much - which was strange in  
itself - but he was there.

Back in Atlantis, Carson performed every test he could think of: brain scan,  
Ancient body scan, blood test, even a proctological exam! And pronounced  
John, "Perfectly fine."

"Thanks, Doc," John said, getting ready to head to his quarters. Ronon had  
stayed behind with Teyla, who had volunteered to watch Erin. John was  
already thinking of making shotgun jokes because of the goofy way Ronon  
acted whenever he was around her. His friend was crazy about his little girl,  
not that anyone could blame him. John was willing to bet that Ronon would be  
her favorite person - aside from her parents, of course - growing up.

"You okay to go by yourself?" Rodney asked. "I'll get Erin from Teyla and  
her bodyguard."

"Nah, I'll come with you," John said. He wanted them to see that he was back,  
and fine.

And they were very happy for him. Ronon grabbed him and hugged him, lifting  
him off the ground. Teyla did that head-touching thing she did. And then  
John turned to pick up the baby.

As he did so, he noticed his hands shaking. Would she still know who he was?  
What if she cried or fussed? Would he be relegated to secondary position  
because of what he'd done?

As usual, Rodney was there to help. He picked Erin up and passed her to John.

 

Erin was only six weeks old, but she did have a charming smile. And as soon  
as he held her against him, she took a deep breath and blinked at him. As he  
settled her into his arms, she opened her mouth in that exact charming baby  
smile that had people melting. John cuddled her against him. "Oh, thank  
God."

"She has been fed and changed," Teyla reported.

"Which I did," Ronon said.

"It's not a competition, Ronon," Teyla chided gently.

"Says you," Ronon replied.

Teyla gave that crooked grin that usually meant something like, 'He's young  
and will get over it'.

"Thanks for watching her," John said as Rodney grabbed the baby bag and they  
turned to leave.

"It was our pleasure," Teyla said, elbowing Ronon.

"Yeah, our pleasure," Ronon echoed.

***

Erin was asleep, and Rodney had gone into his quarters to change. John  
opened his closet and found... well, no civilian clothes that would fit him.  
At least nothing hanging up or folded. All his civilian clothes were in a  
pile in the corner of the closet. In amongst all the other stuff, he hadn't  
even thought of that. The only 'male' clothes that were still okay were his  
uniforms. He finally snagged a T-shirt and put it on, along with a pair of  
boxers. He didn't wear them much, but he'd been wearing jockeys for two  
years and wanted a change.

He turned towards the bed to find Rodney standing there looking apprehensive.  
"I won't bite, Rodney."

"Maybe I should stay in my room tonight," Rodney said. "Just until we get  
used to... well, this."

"I said nothing would change. Don't make me a liar. I can handle it if you  
can."

"Fine." Rodney got into his side of the bed.

John climbed in the other side. "Did you get Erin's bottle ready?"

"Yes, yes, it just has to be warmed." Rodney lay down, not touching John.

John reached over and pulled Rodney against him so that they were spooned  
together, his chest to Rodney's back. "Relax," he said.

"I'm fine," Rodney said, but he clearly wasn't. He was incredibly tense and  
nervous.

Sheppard moved away, allowing Rodney to turn onto his back. Was it too soon  
to try a kiss? He moved closer, noting that Rodney didn't move away. Their  
lips met.

John suddenly realized how starved he had been for touch, for *this* kind of  
touch. The last few weeks had been hard on them both, and kissing hadn't  
been high on the agenda. He opened his mouth, feeling Rodney do the same.  
Their tongues met: slick and wet and so, so arousing.

This time the lust that shot through John while kissing Rodney was  
completely new. Instead of feeling that ache deep within, the lust went  
straight to his cock. He was half-lying on top of Rodney, one arm around him,  
but their lower bodies weren't touching. He *needed* that touch. Moving  
slightly, he pressed his pelvis against Rodney's.

Rodney was hard. Rodney was aroused by kissing him. John couldn't help it;  
he hitched his hips against Rodney's, wanting the friction, wanting...

Hands pushed him away. "No!"

Unable to calm his breathing, John moved further away. "Wh... what?"

"I can't," his husband said. "I just... John, I can't. It's too soon."

"I want you," John said. He wasn't above begging. "I waited nine months,  
Rodney."

"We had sex during some of those months," Rodney said.

"And we always had to be careful. I want us to be able to be free again, to  
just..."

"Fuck?"

"Do you have to put it like that?"

"That's what it is," Rodney said. "Face it, John, you're highly sexed. Even  
as a... in a female body, you were highly sexed. And I don't mind; I love  
having sex with you. But this is new. I've never done it with a man before,  
okay?"

Somehow they had never talked about that. Rodney had been with a number of  
women, that John knew, but he'd just assumed that because Rodney had fallen  
for him while he'd still been male, it meant... "Never?" He knew he couldn't  
keep the surprise out of his voice.

"No, never. I know you have, and I'm fine with that. I just... I need to  
learn how to deal with it."

"Let's make this easier," John said, pulling down the covers and sliding  
down the bed.

"What are..."

"Come on, McKay, I've blown you before."

"Yes, but..." Rodney couldn't get any more words out as John pulled his cock  
through the gap in his boxers and closed his mouth around it. Rodney's head  
slammed back onto the bed as John sucked him.

John's technique had not changed: he knew exactly what Rodney liked. A  
little hard suction, soft, some tongue action, then more hard... Rodney  
looked down his body at the sight of John Sheppard giving him a blowjob, and  
that was it. He seized up, crying out incoherently as he came into John's  
mouth.

He was still trying to catch his breath when John crawled back up beside him.  
"A little fast there, McKay."

"I... I thought about... that. Before."

"Before I changed?"

"I had... fantasies... of you doing that. I imagined... what you'd look like  
and... and whatnot."

John smirked. "Well, they came true." He sat up, swinging his legs off the  
bed. "I think I'm gonna go in the bathroom now."

"Why?"

"I need to take care of something."

"No!" Rodney knew John would go and jerk off in the bathroom to avoid  
freaking him out further, but he couldn't let him do that. He wanted to see,  
wanted to see what John looked like, coming in his own male body. "Do it  
here, I want to watch."

"Think you can handle that?"

"I thought about that, too, so... yes."

John lay back on the bed and pulled his boxers off (Rodney wisely did not  
make a comment about them). He was hard and leaking already, unbelievably  
turned on by what he had done to Rodney. He licked his palm and took hold of  
himself, looking upwards at the ceiling but keeping Rodney in the corner of  
his eye.

"Oooh." It felt good. He hadn't done this for two years, so he had a lot of  
catching up to do. "Hm." John bit his lip as he stroked himself, the feeling  
familiar and yet new at the same time. "Uhm." He hoped the noises weren't  
turning Rodney off, but he couldn't help himself. It was so good to be able  
to do this again. "Hmmm." He heard Rodney make a choked-off sound, and this  
time he turned his head.

Rodney's gaze was riveted on what John was doing. He was biting his lip in  
concentration. John suddenly wanted Rodney inside him again. He'd never done  
that, not as a man, but he remembered Rodney fucking him into the mattress,  
and he wanted it again. "Ooh." His hand tightened and he moved faster.  
"Uhhh." He was close, so close. And he was going to say it before he came;  
he wanted to see Rodney's reaction. "I want... uh." His hand was almost a  
blur now; he was right on the edge. "I want you to fuck me." And that was  
it: John came, his semen shooting onto his chest as he panted through the  
pleasure, pleasure made all the more intense by the knowledge of what he  
wanted from Rodney.

He just lay there, catching his breath. Finally, he turned his head to see  
Rodney's reaction. Rodney was staring at him with a kind of wonder. John  
smirked. "Wow. That was good."

"You didn't mean that, right? That... other thing?" Rodney asked.

John felt sated and sleepy. He closed his eyes. "Of course I did."

Rodney hesitantly reached out and dabbed a finger in John's semen. He  
brought it to his mouth and tasted it just as John opened his eyes to see  
what he was doing. "Not so bad."

Something in John's chest loosened. If Rodney could do that and make that  
comment; if Rodney would watch him and like it, maybe things would be okay.

Then they heard the baby making waking noises, and Rodney went to fetch a  
cloth. He cleaned John off and went to return the cloth. When he came back,  
John had Erin in his arms and was rocking her. Erin was smiling up at him  
with her baby smile again.

"She knows me," said John.

"You smell pretty much the same," Rodney said.

"Warm her bottle up, will you?"

After Erin had been fed, Rodney lay down and put his head on John's shoulder.  
It felt... slightly different, but still good. "Do you think we can do  
this?" John asked.

Rodney pulled the covers up and snuggled against John. "I think we can."  
Rodney fell asleep thinking that lying against John's hairy chest was just  
as comforting as it had been to have John lying on *his*.

***

"I've had a request," Elizabeth said to Sheppard as he came to check in with  
her just before gearing up for a mission. He was taking Zelenka: for once he  
and Rodney agreed that they shouldn't go on missions together anymore; Erin  
needed at least one parent NOT risking his life at a time.

"A request?"

"General Landry wants to know if you and Rodney intend continuing your  
relationship."

John frowned, as though this made no sense. "We got *married*," he said.

"But now your relationship is illegal if you're in the military."

"Tell him to bite me," John said flippantly, turning to leave.

"John." He stopped. Elizabeth could be pretty commanding on her own when she  
needed to be. "I'll support you, but I don't know the facts. ARE you going  
to continue your relationship?"

"Yes."

"Then I will definitely," and here she smiled that knowing smile she  
sometimes got, "tell him to bite you."

"Thanks," John said.

"Dismissed, Colonel."

***

Some of the new personnel - who'd been assigned after he'd changed the first  
time - weren't used to seeing him this way, so there were a lot of stares as  
he strolled into the locker room and began gearing up. The best way to  
defuse the situation, he decided, was to use humor "I'm back, boys and girls.  
Deal with it."

There was nervous laughter, and then everyone went about their business.

It was only when John got back from the mission that Elizabeth informed him  
that she'd dialed Earth and General Landry wanted to speak to him personally.

 

John had Erin in one hand and a bottle in the other, but he obediently said  
down in front of a screen, settled Erin with her bottle, and then activated  
the screen. "Sir."

Landry seemed a bit nonplussed at seeing Erin. He no doubt had all the  
reports regarding her gestation and birth, but here she was, in the flesh,  
right in front of him.

"Colonel, do you mind telling me what you think you're doing."

"Uh... feeding my daughter?"

"It's against regulations for you to continue to associate with Doctor McKay.  
You know damn well that the regulations were only suspended because of the  
many eloquent arguments about how being a woman didn't mean you weren't  
entitled to have a normal life. I don't see how that applies now."

"Sir." John had long ago decided what he was going to say when confronted  
with this argument. "I still love Rodney," he said. "Think of that however  
you like; it doesn't really matter. If you want to court martial me, fine.  
You know you'll never get me back to Earth without the help of the people on  
Atlantis. If you want to throw me out of the service, fine. They still need  
me here. So here's how I see it: you can hold a court martial anyway and  
convict me in absentia; you can pretend you don't know what's going on; or  
you can suspend those regulations for 'classified' reasons. Either way, I'm  
staying in Atlantis."

"Are you blackmailing me, Colonel?"

"No, Sir. I won't leave Atlantis because I'm needed here. You do whatever  
you must to make yourself feel comfortable, and to make the Joint Chiefs  
happy. But Rodney is my husband, and this is my daughter, and nothing about  
our relationship is even IN any regulations."

"I'll discuss this with General O'Neill," Landry said.

"You do that, Sir," John replied as Landry closed out the channel.

"I didn't know you were going to do that," Rodney said, coming out of his  
own quarters.

"I want us to work," John said. "And the sooner we get the Air Force off our  
backs, the better."

"What do you think Landry will do?"

"He'll go with the easiest option, which means he'll probably put some  
notation in my file about how certain regulations are being suspended, and  
then he'll act like he doesn't know anything."

"So why does he have to discuss it with General O'Neill?"

"O'Neill is the last person in the chain of command regarding the Stargate  
program. He'll need his agreement."

"And the general will give it?" Rodney asked.

"Sure; he likes me."

***

That was pretty much how it went down. Because the details were classified,  
only Landry, O'Neill and the president even knew which exact regulations  
were being suspended, or why.

John was informed of Landry's decision the next day. He and Rodney had slept  
together in his bed again, but Erin had been fussing and they'd been too  
tired to take their relationship to the next level.

They were sitting in the mess hall with Erin and the rest of their team when  
one of Caldwell's marines from the Daedalus came in. He looked directly at  
them, wrinkled his nose and pointedly walked to the other side of the mess.

"What's that about?" asked Ronon.

"Remember how I told you about those regulations?" John said. "Well, they  
were suspended because of our 'special circumstances'. I'm guessing some  
people don't like it."

"Why is what you do any of their business?" asked Ronon.

"Good question," said Rodney. "I've personally never understood the American  
government's obsession with trying to control what people do on their own  
time, in the privacy of their own homes." He sighed. "One day there'll be  
telescreens in every home in the United States," he said. "And so that no  
one notices the implications, they'll ban '1984', too."

"Rodney," said John indulgently. "Ronon and Teyla aren't going to get that."

"Yeah, well, you explain. I'm going to go and mess with the environmental  
controls on that guy's quarters." He said this loud enough as he got up that  
the marine looked worried.

"Is he really?" Ronon asked, taking Erin from John.

"Nah," John said. "He just likes to mess with people's minds. That marine  
will never be able to relax in Atlantis ever again." He grinned as if  
enjoying that thought.

"What is '1984'?" Teyla asked, so John had to explain.

***

Erin was ensconced with Ronon in his quarters for the night. Their teammate  
had offered to babysit "so you guys can rest", but the glint in his eye told  
them that Ronon knew resting wasn't actually on the agenda.

"I got a call from Caldwell," John said.

"Oh, yeah?" Rodney asked.

"Yeah. Seems that marine wanted to be billeted on board the Daedalus,  
because he felt you wanted to 'harass' him."

"And?" Rodney asked, getting into bed wearing only his boxers. They had  
decided to start off slowly and see what happened. However, John did not  
reveal the reason he had taken twice as long as usual in the bathroom.

"Oh, he let him. I think our extended 'family' here in the city pisses  
Caldwell off no end," John said. "Wish I could bring myself to care," he  
mock-pouted.

"Come here," Rodney said, and John slid over to him. They enfolded their  
arms around each other. It felt... familiar, but not exactly the same. There  
was nothing unlikable about it, however.

"This is nice," Rodney commented.

John moved away slightly so that he could look into Rodney's eyes. "I want  
you to fuck me," he said. "I mean it, Rodney."

"I... I..." Rodney began. Finally he just said, "Now?"

"Yeah. Here," and John grabbed Rodney's hand and brought it to his posterior.

 

"What... ? Oh," Rodney said as his fingers felt slickness.

John felt Rodney harden against him. "You like that," John said. "You do  
want to."

Rodney's breathing had begun to speed up. "Wh... of course, I just... Isn't  
this too soon?"

"We've been having sex for two *years*, McKay."

"Maybe it's too soon for me," Rodney said, but he didn't move his fingers  
away from John's ass either. "I've never... done that."

"Well, neither have I," John pointed out. "Hey." He waited until Rodney met  
his eyes. "Let's get it over with, what do you say?"

"Okay," said Rodney, and tackled him.

John found himself in a not-unfamiliar position: lying underneath Rodney. He  
had liked it before, and he realized he still did. "I did all... oh, God...  
all the preparation," he gasped, as Rodney moved against him, rubbing along  
his sensitized cock. "Just... do it. Fuck me."

"How?" Rodney genuinely sounded like he needed to know.

"Let me turn over," John said, and Rodney moved far enough off of him so  
that he could. John spread his legs. He wanted Rodney, and he wasn't ashamed  
to indicate that. Being ashamed was pointless; this he'd realized months ago.

 

Rodney positioned himself behind and over him. "John, I..."

"Just do it," John said. He figured much of the pain was already over, since  
he'd done some stretching and lubricating in the bathroom.

Rodney took hold of himself and moved up against John, carefully and VERY  
slowly fitting himself into John's body.

John lay there, a burning sensation assaulting him. It hurt! But he breathed  
in and out using Teyla's technique, and the pain receded slightly. Rodney  
was panting above him, and not in a good way. "Rodney?"

"I... This is hurting you, isn't it? You... you tensed up."

"Sorry. But no, not so much."

"Let me..." He braced himself to move away.

"No!" John grabbed the first part of Rodney he could reach, which was his  
hip bone. "I want this. Keep going."

"John..."

"Keep. Going," John said through gritted teeth. "Please, McKay, I need this.  
Don't stop."

Rodney finally sighed and moved further in, until he was buried all the way  
inside. And it did feel good; nothing like fucking John as a woman had,  
though. This was quite different, but no less good. Rodney pulled out a  
little, then thrust back in.

"Ooh," John gasped, the pain receding further. "More."

That was the signal to Rodney to move with more purpose, and soon they had a  
good rhythm going. And then John moved one leg at an angle, and Rodney  
touched that bundle of nerves inside him.

"Oh! God!" John cried out.

"What?"

"Keep... do that some more!"

Rodney obeyed, his rhythm becoming faster. "John, I'm..."

"Harder!" John commanded, his own penis taking notice. But there wasn't  
enough time for John to get more than cursory stimulation, as Rodney's  
rhythm faltered completely and he drove in hard, held it, made a sound like  
he was in pain, and came in John's ass, hips stuttering with every pulse of  
semen out of him.

Rodney lay on John's back, his face nestled between John's shoulder blades.  
"God, John."

"Yeah."

"Did you come?"

"No, but that was sooo good," John said.

Gathering his strength, Rodney moved away, his cock slipping out in a single  
motion that felt distinctly weird to John. "Turn over," he said.

"What?"

"Turn over. Why am I repeating myself?"

John obediently turned over, and Rodney moved down the bed.

"Tell me if I do something wrong." And before John could say anything,  
Rodney had licked a stripe up his cock.

John's head slammed back into the pillow. "Oh!"

"Doing something here," Rodney said, and proceeded to do it. He pretty much  
copied the way John always performed oral sex on him, which was to go down  
as far as possible, add some suction, first light and then harder, and then  
move up a bit to breathe.

Rodney wasn't trying anything adventurous, but it didn't matter: the mere  
fact of *Rodney* *sucking* *his* *cock* was enough to have John on the edge  
in no time. John tried a little dirty talk, to see what Rodney would do.  
"Hmm, yeah, suck me," he rasped out. "That's it, suck my cock." It only  
spurred Rodney on, and he began to suck with more enthusiasm. "You're so  
good, McKay," John said, using Rodney's last name on purpose. "You suck me  
so well..." Rodney's tongue was doing wonderful things every time Rodney  
stopped to breathe, and John could feel his orgasm building.

"I'm... Rodney, I'm..." And then he did, his body going into spasm as he  
came, his semen shooting into Rodney's mouth.

As he flopped back onto the bed bonelessly, he heard gagging and spitting  
noises, and a, "Gross! Yuk!" as Rodney spat it all into a tissue. But it was  
just another endearing facet of Rodney's personality and all John could do  
was smile to himself as he lay there, totally sated.

"I'm brushing my teeth now," Rodney announced, and disappeared into his own  
quarters for a few minutes.

John just drifted, smiling to himself. Then the mattress dipped slightly as  
Rodney climbed back into bed with him.

"Sorry about that. I'll get used to it, I promise."

"You made me feel so good I don't care if you do that every time," John said.

 

"Was it... really okay?"

"The fucking or the blowjob?" John asked bluntly.

"Either. Both."

"They were both phenomenal," John said. "It did hurt at first, but I  
expected it to. And they say that the more you do it, the less it hurts  
every time."

"You're gonna want to do that again?"

"Sure."

"You freaked me out a bit," Rodney admitted, "with all that dirty talk:  
'suck me', and so on."

"You liked it," John accused.

"Yeah," Rodney said, sounding a bit embarrassed. "If I hadn't just had an  
orgasm, it would have seriously turned me on." He waited a bit, but John  
didn't say anything more. "Don't expect me to say that to you, though. I'd  
feel ridiculous."

"You'd sound ridiculous, too," John commented. "Whereas I'm Kirk, and I  
never sound ridiculous."

"No, you don't," Rodney said, snuggling closer, his eyes drooping and his  
fingers tangling in John's dogtag chain.

"I'm getting it resized as soon as possible," John said, misunderstanding  
Rodney's interest.

Rodney opened an eye and saw John's ring on the chain with his tags. "Oh.  
Good," he added.

"I love you, McKay. I want to wear it." He could feel Rodney smiling against  
his shoulder.

"Hmmm, love you too," Rodney said, his breathing finally evening out as he  
dropped off to sleep.

John lay awake for a long time thinking how lucky he was.

THE END


End file.
